Sugar, We're Going Down!
by WhiteLadyDragon
Summary: Atticus is so insane over Zane that he begins to see his own sister as a rival for his affections. Being the inherently good brother he is, however, he tries to help Chazz woo her so that Zane will be up for grabs. Then there's Mary Sue. COMPLETED!
1. Contemplation

**_Disclaimer:_ I deny any and all possession of the characters featured in this segment. I rent them.****

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_OVERALL: _Atticus only pretends to like girls in order to cover up the fact that he's been head-over-heels for his best friend, Zane, this whole time. And it's quietly driving him mad every day. What happens when, in this fog of romantic insanity, he begins to percieve his own sister as a rival for Zane's "affections"? Oooh, this will not look good... _

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**Is this supposed to be a Royalshipping thing? No. Was it intended for Starshipping? Not really. I just thought it'd be funny. And it kind of makes sense, too. Why do you think Atti was so eager to help Chazz woo Alexis? Either he only wanted to help her get a boyfriend, or he just wanted her away from Zane...and don't tell me that Atti and Lex never had their share of sibling spats! Everyone with a brother or sister has them. Believe me, I should know. **

**(Starshipping...that is Zane/ Atticus. I don't know the real name for their pairing, so I kind of just made up a name. Because those two are the _stars _of Duel Academy, if you catch my drift. But if someone knows the real name, I'd appreciate it if someone told me. Thank you.)

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**Oh yes, I must give you some warnings before you advance any further: this might contain slight OOC-ness, plus language, suggestive themes...and overall, stupidity. Do you not like any of the above? I recommend that you find a more wholesome read, then.

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**_"SUGAR, WE'RE GOING DOWN!" _**

**_PART I_**

_"COWABUNGA!!" _

Atticus dipped under the crest of the wave, wiggling his tush just for the amusement of it. His limbs were spread out like wings in order to maintain balance, as he became daring enough to creep to the very nose of his surfboard.

On the shoreline, at least twenty or so girls in their swimsuits were gathered, squealing with delight. Some were clapping her hands, others hopped up and down like jumping beans. Still, others more waved and chanted one of the countless pet names they'd give him: "Yaaaay, Atti! Go, Atti! Atti! Atti! Atti!"

He got the hint that it was time for the finale. He swerved to the left, then the right. He started to try standing on his head, legs kicking into the air. This stirred such a riot within his female fans, no matter how many times he had done it!

"Awright, girls! Want some of this?" he shouted to the witnesses, proceeding to perform a back-flip to the very end of his surfboard. How he relished in the way the waves would roar into his ears! And how the ocean spray sprinkled his cheeks, and how the wind tossled his lustrious milk-chocolate hair this way and that!

"YEEAAAHH!! ATTI! ATTI! ATTI! ATTI!" the girls' screams practically echoed across the shoreline, as they watched with twinkles in their eyes for their hero to make his final loop-de-loops up and over the crest. As the ride receded into the water, Atticus paddled out on his surfboard.

"Ha-ha!" he chuckled with just one more flirtatious toss of his locks, board erected into the warm, crisp sand. "How'd you like that, ladies?" Even though he knew their answer right away.

Almost like a pack of hungry wolves, they encompassed the surfer from all sides, squealing childishly and waving out pens and perfume-laced notebooks...for the autographs, of course. On Duel Academy, Atticus recieved the treatment of a celebrity.

He put a hand behind his head and flashed a sheepish, charming grin. "Okay, okay! One at a time! There's plenty of me to go around!" Hastily, he grabbed a pen from a nameless girl's hand (she swooned just seconds later with fat pink hearts in her eyes), and began scribbling his signature here and there: **_Atticus Rhodes: B.F.F! _**

It took at least ten minutes on that spot to cover every last one of those autograph beggars, combined with the fans' rather disturbing desire to caress his muscles or stroke his inviting hair. Some even brought cameras to take pictures with him! But he did it. Piece of cake.

"Well, ladies, that's all we've got time for today! But don't worry: I'll be here, same time tomorrow! Believe it!" Atticus smirked, pointing upward towards the cloudless vault above their heads.

The girls did as they were told, but not without producing a chorus of farewell giggles and "We love you, Atti!" Some took longer than others, just lingering in the heartthrob's presence before hesitantly skipping off with friends. Others gave him shy finger-waves and blushed when he did a thumbs-up.

Soon, Atticus was alone. All alone on that beach. Just himself and that surfboard.

Inhaling the sea breeze through his nostrils, he ran his fingers through his mane in an attempt to smooth it out. "Well Att, you've done it again! The fans are satisfied for another day...although I think you might want to consider changing the material a notch. Today's number of fangirls must've dropped by at least two girls from yesterday-"

Pause. All he could hear was the thrashing of the waves, saltwater wrapping around his bare ankles. He blinked.

Suddenly, the content smile from his face faded out, the glow in his cheeks dimming. He slumped against his board. "Ohh, who am I kidding? It doesn't matter how many of those rabid fangirls come to watch me surf. Every day, it's the same thing: I show off, it drives them wild, I pass out autographs...then they're gone. It's no fun anymore...it can't be fun when your best friend is never there to watch for himself."

Indeed, out of all the shows Rhodes had ever performed, not once did his dear old friend Zane, come around to watch him. Was it the lack of interest? Or was it because he was being chased up trees by his own share of fangirls? After all, they were both the most wanted "bishies" in the school.

Was it him, or was his blood beginning to boil at the image of Zane being chased up a tree like a cat? His fists clenched at his sides. But it was not out of indignance of his friend never getting any peace. More rather, it was out of jealousy. But you'd be more than surprised if I told you what the source of that envy was.

Atticus plopped rear-first onto the sand, still leaning on his surfboard. He began muttering to himself: "Dang, it's not fair. I've felt so awkward around him ever since...well, just before I got abducted and transformed into Nightshroud. And I've never said a thing. Now I've back here, and he still doesn't seem to notice me.

"Then again...now I've got all the oppurtunity in the world to tell him, at least until it's the end of this year. Then he and I will be separated..." He shivered. It was most alarming to imagine the two of them so far apart. Dear Zane would be out shining like a diamond in the Pro Leagues, while he himself would have to stay behind to make up for all the time that had been lost when he was Nightshroud. They were far apart then, there was no way he could stand being far away again.

"So why don't you tell him, Att?" he questioned himself. "What are you, scared?"

Pause.

"Hmm...maybe. What if he doesn't feel the same way? For all I know, his preference may just be girls...although he doesn't seem to show any interest in them...except Lexi..."

Atticus froze. His own little sister, Alexis, was virtually the only girl that the Kaiser let near him. He was the one that had comforted her during his absence. And to boot, she was dubbed the Obelisk Queen. Zane was Kaiser of the whole school. Atticus was merely the Prince. It really would be no ground-breaking shocker if the two developed an intense fondness for each other. Except for himself.

Now, do not get him wrong: Atticus did love his sister, and would gladly be happy for her if she finally found true love. Who wouldn't be?

But something about this probability of she and Zane in love with each other, hit him brutally. As if he was being stoned. I mean, it would be no problem if she got with that Chazz Princeton, whom he knew had his eye on her for the longest time. Or that tennis boy, Harrington Rosewood, who had had the actual nerve to ask her to be his fiancee (he heard the whole story from Lex herself). Why, even that Jaden Yuki would be wonderful for her! Although he only had the romantic understanding of a mere child.

But Zane...

Atticus hung his head down. He let a wave crawl up and crash over him. At the same time, it was also a figurative wave, a fury of emotions. First, there was envy. The guilt for that envy followed closely behind. In third place flowed...well, frustration. For the very fact that he could not find a way to spill his heart out.

Just then, he shot his head back up, shaking the salt and water out as a dog would. "No! Pull yourself together, Rhodes! Just 'cause they spend loads of time at that lighthouse together, doesn't _automatically _mean they're dating! They haven't shown any signs! Yet. Maybe I still have a chance!

But the question is..._how _do I use that chance in the best way possible?"

Another pause.

"...And to think that I'm a romantic guru, and still I'm asking that question to myself. Maybe...if I can find out what Zane likes in Alexis...then apply that to myself..."

Already, you and I can tell that this will not go well.

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**_There you have it, folks! I apologize if this sucked cheese. This is only part one, though. More parts will follow, and it will get dumber with every one. I swear it._**


	2. Bosom Baloney

**_Disclaimer:_ I have no true ownership in any/ all characters featured. I rent. After all, only a looney like myself has the nerve to pit sister and brother against one another, for the favor of a Kaiser. I say, did I just rhyme?**

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**First, I'd like to thank DancingKirby for giving me the real name of the Zane/ Atticus shipping. Blizzardshipping is lovely...but both names can work, correct? **

**Yes, Kaiseress...I am that crazy. And you and I would probably chase Zane up a tree ourselves, if we had the chance. Doesn't everyone? **

**Overall, I thank all who have reviewed for the patronage! Now, on with the show! **

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_**PART II**_

In the days that followed all that contemplation, the lovelorn Prince began plotting. Plotting what, you ask? Why, he was plotting a way to woo his old friend.

And no one was to know but himself. After all, when it came to claiming the Kaiser, it was every guy, and girl, for themselves.

_Anyways..._the first thing to do was examine what he already knew about Kaiser and the Queen. With that, Atticus was now sitting up in a tree, a purple glitter pen in hand, and on his lap, a notebook with a turquoise cover. A picture of himself and his infatuation was taped to the front.

He scratched his scalp with the pen. "Okay, Att: what do you already know about those two? Hmm...

"Well, for one thing, they both seem to enjoy spending their free time at the lighthouse by the seaside! Yeah, _I_ like watching the water thrash against the dock! Ooh, and sunsets! They like sunsets! Hell, _I _love sunsets! Like when Zane and I would be over there, not saying a word...God, did he look beautiful in the evening..."

You have to forgive the boy: he always somehow became derailed from the subject on which he tried to focus, especially when it was about his heart's desire. While he was supposed to find what he lacked, now he was fantasizing about how radiant Truesdale appeared at dusk; how he imagined that he was glowing...like some sort of angel.

As a matter of fact, Rhodes had four other S-words to describe him: _serene, savvy, soothing..._and, inevitably, _sexy. _Sometimes, just looking at Zane, or even thinking about him, made Atticus feel like touching himself!

So, it wasn't long before Atticus had to deliver a slap to his own forehead. "Hey, hey! Fantasizing about the guy's not going to get you any closer to him than you are now! Now think! What else..? Hey, I got it: they're both Obelisks! Obelisk royalty!

"Ohh...wait...so am I, though more minor. Gaahhh, c'mon, think, Rhodes! What could Lex have that Zane likes, and yet you _don't _have it??"

Silence. Because Rhodes was never much of a thinker, he spent at least fifteen minutes up there on that limb, give or take, scratching every last inch of his scalp with that glittery purple pen until it was sore. One leg was dangling down uselessly.

"Errr...errr..." Fists clenched, he tried to strain his brain for an idea. Nothing, except perhaps a red and purple-tinted face from the pressure.

"_Errrrr, DOH! _This isn't working! Damn, I have no idea how Misawa does this thinking junk!" Frustrated, he ripped out two clean sheets and crumpled them into two balls, just to channel it out.

Stopping to stare at the two paper balls, one in each hand, he paused. You know what was odd? Somehow those two balls...reminded him of, oh, say...breasts. You've heard me right, plain old breasts, small, but round.

_Wait a minute, _he thought, gradually bringing them both close to his chest. Then drawing them away. And bringing them close again.

Suddenly, the Prince felt as though a lamp was being switched on in his mind. "Hold on! _This _has to be it! The difference between me and Lex..._is her breasts! _She's got the biggest, roundest bosom this side of the Academy! No guy is immune to that, not even Zane! 'Cause if he was, then...he wouldn't be human! It's, like, the only feature guys like to focus on in a girl!

"All I need to do is find me breasts twice as nice as my sister's, and I've got it made! Ohh, but wait: where am I going to get that? I don't even _have _breasts..."

Again, Atticus felt himself fall back into that terribly dismal mood. The only thing standing between him and an eternity with Zane was the mere fact that he had no breasts. Where on Earth could he obtain such? Let's see, perhaps hormonal treatments could help? Maybe implants? Or how about both? Surely then, he could much more appetizing than Alexis!

But nowadays, you'd have to possess a considerably deep wallet to undergo either of those procedures. At the moment, Atticus was broke. And unfortunately, the idea to phone his mother for the money had to be ruled out, for obvious reasons.

He stared down at the crumpled paper balls once again, just to see if they could give him any more inspiration. As a matter of fact, after ten more minutes...they did.

Rhodes felt a smirk stretching across his lips. "Okay then. Guess I've got no other option, except to make my own rack from scratch..."

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Meanwhile, on the other half of the island, Zane Truesdale was standing (where else?) on the dock, by (of course) the lighthouse. For the moment, he was alone, arms folded across his chest, and eyes glued to the horizon. Not a fangirl in sight...what a relief! 

I think I understand now why he'd always retreat to that lighthouse. Life outside those boundaries was as if everyone was after him...for things. You didn't think bearing the title "Kaiser" was a picnic, did you?

He inhaled the sea breeze through his nostrils, without a sound. He was originally anticipating for Alexis to come around, as she always did. But he was really about to be paid a visit by someone completely different...

Eventually, he heard the patter of advancing footsteps. At first he didn't peel his gaze off the water, guessing that it was Alexis. Until:

"Ohhhh, Zaaa-aane," called a sing-song type of voice, a guy's voice, may I add.

That wasn't Alexis! This time, he turned his head, only to regret so afterwards. His eyes widened to the size of golfballs.

"_Atticus??" _

It was indeed Atticus, with a new twist: his chest seemed puffed out in some round, lumpy, distorted shape, with a flap of something pink and fleshy sticking from this blazer collar. And the way he walked...well, it was more like swaggering, or cat-walking, his hips swinging out at preposterous degrees.

"Hiya, Zane!" he waved with his fingers, flashing a suggestive smile. "Nice day to be, erm, gazing at the sea, huh?" He made sure to add a bit of bounce in his step to make his "breasts" jiggle.

You could say that Zane was speechless. What on Earth...??

"Atticus?? What'd you do to yourself this time??" Even someone as collected as himself would find this at least remotely disturbing.

"Like 'em? Aww, stop, you're making me blush!" Rhodes advanced even further.

"Are you...feeling okay, Atticus?" Zane raised an eyebrow amd scooted an inch backwards.

"Never better, Zane! And I see I got here before Lexi did..."

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing! Nothing..." When he got close enough, he stopped, captivated by his friend's virile beauty. His suggestive smirk grew broader.

"Att, I feel a little violated right now..."

Gasp! Did he just address him by his nickname? This _had_ to be a sign that his plan was working! Excited, Rhodes positioned himself snugly at the side of a slightly shaken Truesdale.

"Sooo...since Lex isn't present, how's about the two of us watch the sunset, together? You know? The two of us, all alone, here on the dock, nothing but the crashing of the waves, and-"

_SPLAT! _

The two boys looked down. A slimy slice of boloney lay limp on the concrete at Atticus's feet, bits of tissue clinging to it.

"What is _that_?" the Kaiser gestured to the lunch meat. "Did that just fall out of your-"

The Prince felt himself break out into a cold, nervous sweat. "Wh-why, Zane! I-I don't know where that came from! That couldn't have possibly-"

_Splat, splat, splat, splat, SPLAT! _

He had no time to react: just one measly blink of an eye, and the whole load of bologna came tumbling out of his blazer (some down his pants), and collapsed into a pile at his feet. Thin, torn sheets of tissue paper kept it all sticking together. Good grief, how much could he have possibly needed?

The two stared at the stinky pile of meat for about two and a half minutes, more or less. Then, they slowly lifted their heads and locked eyes.

Atticus could've sworn his face was burning away off of his head, just from that twisted expression of Zane's. Gritting his teeth, he stammered, "Uhh...gee...th-this is...this is, erm, a-awkward..."

Just when he thought that it couldn't get any worse:

"Guys?" a feminine tone called out from around the corner. Much to Atticus's horror and dismay, up came his dear sister, curious about the whole scene.

"Hey, guys! What's going on over-"

Freeze.

_"Oh my God..." _

**_TO BE CONTINUED..._**

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**_I told you it'd get stupid...was I right? I can't help it that I'm messed up, though. I was born that way._**

**_...Sometimes I think Atticus might be AC/DC. _**


	3. Peeping Tom

**_Disclaimer: _I deny any/ all possession of all characters featured in this segment. I rent them. **

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**I'm sorry about the previous chapter, everyone. I got that from eating a sandwich with, what else, boloney in it. Isn't it amazing, where our daily sources of brainstorms originate?**

**Hey, Anime's Echo! I wouldn't call this disturbing, really. To me, it's more like "adding some character into romance, in my style". **

**And maybe you wouldn't chase old Zane up a tree, Kaiseress. But I probably would. If he hates me, what can I do? Boys are scared of me...**

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_**PART III**_

The bologna-breast idea went as well as expected: not long after that, poor old Atticus was sentenced to two weeks of detention, via paying off all the meat he nicked from Miss Dorothy's inventory (where do you think he got all that bologna in the first place?). And it was all thanks to dear Lexi, who had the curtesy to squeal on him at the first chance she had.

Let's rejoin him, shall we? At the moment, he was finishing off his duties by dusting the shelves that displayed one of the shop's staple products: cards. He had tied on a royal purple apron around his waist for the occasion, laced with silk. Well, he figured that he was being forced to cut out his precious surfing time at the beach to do time, the least he could do was look fashionable. Go figure...

_Okay, so maybe having breasts doesn't _always_ fly, _he thought shamefully. _Now I'll bet Zane won't let me go anywhere near him. Damn it! _It appeared that Lex had won this round.

"All right, Mr. Rhodes, you're done for the day," the old woman ambled up behind him. Atticus turned his head to face Miss Dorothy. The disgruntled expression on her round, wrinkly face told him that she had yet to forgive him for the theft and misuse of her lunch meat. "You make like a deck of cards and shuffle off now."

He bowed his head in return. "Y-Yeah, sure, thank you, Miss D." Off he slunk, his head scrunched into his neck. As he entered the outside, he let the door slam behind him.

Atticus tapped his chin. Constructing breasts of his own had probably not been one of his best ideas. That had gone about as well as the time he sang "I'm Too Sexy" for his fan ladies. They almost tore him limb from limb...even if it was "out of affection".

But that was the only visible difference between himself and his sister; or was he missing something more?

Suddenly, he paused. It was either his imagination, or he could just distinctly detect coarse, rusty harmonica notes wafting through the air. They were almost too unbearable to listen to, like fingernails being scratched against the blackboard that was his mind.

Atticus cupped his hands over his ears. "Oh my frigging-_my poor ears! My poor, musical, good-looking ears! Make it stop!" _

It was at that moment when Chazz Princeton entered the scene, battered, black coat trailing behind him and small, chrome instrument at his lips. With his cheeks puffed out, he huffed into it, pausing to chant in between:

"I hate you guys!"

_Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! _

"You guys are all assholes!"

_Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! _

"Oh, 'specially Jaden!"

_Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! _

"I hate him the most!"

_Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! _

"Oh, and Zane, too!"

_Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! _

"He thinks he's so hot-"

That was enough for him to uncover his ears. "Hey, shut up, Chazz!" the lovelorn one shouted, fists clenched at his sides. "He's certainly _NOT _an asshole!" Well, how dare he! Nobody had the right to defile Zane's name like that, that Princeton was no exception!

Of course, Chazz stopped dead, just three feet away, the harmonica in his own fists. "Oh, like you can play the dang harmonica any better!"

"_Duuuuh, _of course I could! But what I said was, don't call Zane an asshole! Because he's far from that!" With that, Atticus could have sworn the blood in his veins was boiling right through his vessels, almost like sulfur.

The Slifer rebel gave a snort. "Okay, I know you and he are buds and all, but this is a free country! I can call 'im whatever I please!"

By this time, Rhodes was about prepared to deliver a good blow to that jerkwad's eye. But he had to grab his clenched fist with the other hand, while his face was becoming increasingly flushed.

"Well, I-I'd 'preciate it if you didn't do that, thank you!"

"Say, you're still in trouble for the boloney thing?"

"What? Who told you about that?"

"Atticus, please! A popular guy like you can do something no one will ever know about?" Actually, Chazz gained knowledge of the incident from his beloved Alexis, whom he had been secretly spying on the whole time, as he did on a regular basis. " 'Sides that, I heard you did it to Zane, too."

Though it was useless, Atticus defended himself with denial: "Did not!"

Chazz could only smirk. "Sure, you didn't. Are you guys really buds, or is there something, oh say..._more intimate _going on?"

Oh, snap! Was Chazz becoming on to him? _Retreat, retreat! _

"Ah, that reminds me! I-I'm late for an important...uh, um, thing! Yeah! A very important thing! I better split! L-later, Princeton!"

With that, our hero kicked into full-throttle and took off like a Rocket Warrior, the apron still around his waist, and looking more flustered than Syrus at a field exam.

As he made the hasty retreat, Chazz watched him, his two charcoal eyes gleaming with suspicion...and perhaps something more. That Atticus had to be one of the squirreliest students of this whole danged island, besides Jaden, of course. But was it only him, or was Rhodes acting a smidge squirrelier than usual? After all, it wasn't every day that a guy stuffed his shirt with lunch meat and tried to get cozy with their own best friend...

Unless...

"Something's going on between him and Zane, or my name ain't the Chazz. This, I gotta check out..."

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That very night, Atticus lay on his bed, eyes fixed on the ceiling. He hadn't bothered to change into pajamas; right now, sleep was next to impossible. By the window, the curtains were left un-drawn, releasing starlight to flood the entire room. 

His anxious thoughts kept him awake, buzzing around in his skull like angry bees.

_Man, Chazz almost caught on! Gotta watch out for that kid, he's crafty. I can't let anyone know yet...not until I tell Zane first. _

_Aww, but I had to go and screw that up! Now I'll bet he's upset...and he's still with Lexi. _

Though technically all that she had done was tell on him to Miss Dorothy when she caught him with Zane, Atticus still couldn't help but feel...resentment. Towards _her._ Of course, that only piled onto the guilt, the frustration. No one should hate their sister, even if they are hogging your best friend's attention. Even if they could be a romantic rival.

He sat up in bed, pinching the spot between his eyes. "No! They can't be involved with each other yet! Not in _that _way, at least!

"Ohhh, but what if they _are? _What if they started gettin' intimate after I got kidnapped?? But then they would've said something to me...right? _Right?? _Or am I being played?_" _

It wasn't long before he began to tug out his proud, rich hair. He could only imagine how stupid he might have looked right now; he certainly _felt _that stupid. Never, in his whole sixteen years of age, had he felt this frenzied over anyone...not even a girl.

Suddenly, without knowing exactly why, Atticus sprang up onto his knees. He leaned his head against the wall, his ear pressed tightly against it. It just so happened that dear old Zane was next door, returned from his nightly trip to that lighthouse...with Alexis. Was he in bed right now?

I don't know if it was only his romantically overcharged imagination, but either way, Atticus thought he could hear his soft, even breath drifting between one side into his ear. It was enough for make him shut his eyes, and create an image in his head, of Zane stripping himself of his uniform. Thinking about what his well-built chest and his lean, scuplted arms looked like under his jacket, was making him drool from one corner of his lip.

Oh, fantasizing wasn't enough for Atticus. His philosohy had always been: why dream about it, when you can see the real deal for yourself?

And that's exactly what he did. Deviously, he slunk off his bed and tiptoed to the door. Taking extra care to shut it noiselessly behind him, he crept three feet to the door on the left, light spilling from under it. All he had to do was get down on his knees...and peep into the knob's keyhole.

From where he was watching, there wasn't too much to see. Not that it mattered: even just the teensiest glimpse of the Kaiser removing his jacket was a turn-on! His back was against the door, with his arms across his chest, as though undoing a button.

Rhodes swore that he was breaking out into a fever, from his crown to the toenails...while the heat accumulated particularly in the "unmentionable area". How fair was this, to be the temptor for the ladies by the beach at day, only to become the tempted by night? And by your own best friend, at that??

_Shoot, now he's showing me the side. _Tugging at his collar, Atticus twisted his neck for another perspective, just to see if he could check out his chest. Zane had hung up the old jacket and was now peeling off the black undershirt, revealing his bare, toned chest.

Zane was only naked from the waist up, and it had already become too much, though paradoxically, it was far from enough. As the viewer reached down to place a hand over his "unmentionable area", his voice box twitched spastically. Out from his throat came a queer combination of a gulp, a gurgle, and a groan.

_Oh, damn it! _Atticus stopped to cup his hands over his mouth. Curse his big, fat mouth! Had Zane heard him?? Oh, and was about to shed his pants, too! He had his hands on them and everything!

Unfortunately, Zane had indeed heard the queer noise. Freezing, he turned to stare into the doorknob.

Atticus shoved himself away, fraught with panic. _Oh man, I think he saw my eyeball! Retreat, reatreat! _

He could distinctly hear the footsteps of Truesdale reaching for the knob.

"Hide, hide, I gotta hide! C'mon, Att, think! Where??" he whispered in exasperation. "Oh, wait..."

Sure enough, Zane set one foot across the doorway, a can of mace ready in one hand. After all, this had not been the first time someone dared to spy him undressing. Just last week, a crazed bug-eyed fangirl by the name of Missy had tried to do it...again.

"Hello? Missy? That better not be you; I have mace," he called out, soft but firm.

Where had our foolish, voyeuristic hero go? Simple: he clambored to the right side of his own door, back pressed against the wall and arms stiff at his sides...with a lampshade over his head. Hey, it always worked in cartoons! Why not here?

Beads of perspiration rolled down his forehead and off the bridge of his nose, adhesing the shade to his face. Sucking in his lips, he held his breath as Zane took one more step forward.

He paused.

"She's not out here...better check the windows."

Sparing one last, searching glance up and down the hallway, he disappeared, as swiftly as he had appeared. Once the door was shut behind him, Atticus sunk to his knees.

"Phew! That was a little too close...I really need to quit doing that. He's bound to catch me one of these days...but, can you blame me? Heh, better get back to bed before Zane comes back out for a double-take. Now, if only I can get this shade off..."

But no matter how forceful he tugged, the shade stayed in place, refusing to become dislodged. Stumbling to his feet, Atticus continued to tug with one hand, while he blindly fumbled with his own doorknob. As he swung it open:

"Aww, c'mon, stupid- get off my head, why don't-"

_WHAM!_

Before he knew it, he found himself face down on the floor, a sharp painful throb in his thigh from having stumbled over his vanity.

**_TO BE CONTINUED..._**

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**Okay, I'll confess that Chazz's chant was something I picked up on YouTube, something on South Park and GX combined. ** _

**Shoot, now old Atticus is voyeur? How low have I sunken, I ask you? And at this point, even I can't tell if this is love, or just lust. On the borderline, maybe? **

**Wonder if I must change the rating of this fiction? **


	4. Pop Quizzes Can Reveal Quite A Bit

**_Disclaimer:_ I do not any or all featured entities in this segment. I rent. **

* * *

**Now, I know many of you are asking if Zane will ever find out about Atticus's feelings for him. The answer? I can't say, that's called spoiling. **

* * *

**_PART IV_**

All through the rest of the night, and into the morning, Atticus remained on the floor. After tripping up over himself, he just lay still, in that exact position. That was not so with his mind, however. No, it kept on buzzing. Yours might too, if you just tried watching your neighbor/ best friend strip himself, and you almost got caught.

And when the sun finally peeked over the horizon, he was still lying there, the lampshade still over his head. He probably would've continued lying there for the whole day, had someone not burst in. Guess who that was?

"Atticus?"

The familiarity of that monotonous tone snapped Atticus out of his trance almost instantly. He sprung up his head. "Huh? Z-_Zane??" _Of all the wacky luck...!

"What're you doing on the floor? It's almost time for class. And...why are you wearing a lampshade?"

He pawed the carpet to navigate the way. Maybe it was a good thing his face was covered, or Zane would've seen the blush flushing out his cheeks. "I...um...I was, let's see...ooh, I know! I was hiding!"

"From what?"

_D'OH! _"Hiding from th-the...the _aardvarks! _Yeah, that's it, the aardvarks! I-I had this bad dream 'bout being chased by ferocious, man-eating aardvarks! And, uhm, I woke up and, uh, fr-freaked out! And...stuff!" Oh, dear.

"Atticus, aardvarks eat bugs. Not people."

_Double D'OH! _"Oh? W-well, not the ones in my dream, they didn't! Anyways, they're gone, so...um...I guess I can get up now...I-I think."

And he tried. Still couldn't find something to pull himself up with.

"Need help?"

Zane? Asking to help him?! Atticus was so overcome with shock, with a hint of humiliation, he was speechless. From behind, he heard a tired sigh, followed by footsteps. And two hands clapping over his own. What may have been intended to be casual friend contact was enough to send a chill down Rhodes's spine.

_Holy crap, he's TOUCHING me!! _

In an instant, Atticus was on his feet. _Pop! _Off came the lampshade, like nothing. Kaiser had the magic touch.

Atticus shook the blush off his cheeks. "Aw, gee, thanks for that, buddy! Heh, heh, heh, hoo..." He twirled his index fingers around each other.

Truesdale just gave him that trademark stare that had the mysterious power to make inferiors want to dash off with their tails between their legs, while simultaneously gluing them to the spot they were standing in. It was enough for Atticus to tug at his shirt collar.

For about ten seconds, there was silence. Awkward, dubious silence. Was it just Atticus, or had the room temperature risen twenty degrees?

_Wonder if he's mad at me about the boloney thing? You can hardly tell when it comes to Zane..._

"Guess we'd better get off to class?"

"What?"

"Off to class."

"Oh yeah! Yeah, um...class! With the pencils and the desks and the paper and the Dr. Crowler screaming for us to pay attention or he'll toss us in detention-"

"Yeah. Later." Zane knew how to end a conversation, whether intelligent or not, in the most laconic way possible. He turned to walk out. Nothing more.

But right after watching him vanish, Atticus did not leave for class just yet. He had to stop and give himself a frustrated dosage of disciplinary head-banging against the wall.

_Bang! _"Stupid!"

_Bang! _"Stupid!"

_Bang! _"What am I, some kind of retard?!"

_Bang! Bang! Bang! _

By the time he was done, he could've sworn he was seeing seven shirtless Zanes twirl around his noggin.

* * *

"Good morning, class!" Dr. Vellion Crowler snorted as he passed out surprise quiz papers up and down the rows. "Hope you've all come prepared for today's pop quiz!" 

"You didn't say there'd be a quiz!" a random student from Ra Yellow protested.

"Well, I suppose that's why it's called a pop quiz! Now suck it up! You have precisely half an hour to complete it!"

Poor Atticus was far too preoccupied to worry about quizzes, however. Sitting in the fifth seat in the highest row, he was eyeing his infatuation from two rows below him...with Alexis at his right flank. Why didn't Zane ever sit by _his _side? He'd sit somewhere _around _him, but never exactly _next to _him.

_But my little sister's always had the honor of seating next to Zane._ _I've known him longer than she has, for crying out loud! Maybe they do that so they can steal kisses and rub each other's thighs without anybody noticing? _

The green-eyed monster was nibbling at his brain once again; he could feel it. He slapped his face six times to regain composure...if he had any to begin with!

"Mr. Rhodes, is there a reason you're beating yourself up in class?" Crowler demanded. All eyes spun from their test papers to stare at Atticus. Even Alexis and Zane turned to stare at him.

He froze.

_Damn it, Rhodes! Retreat, retreat! _

Sinking into his seat with his hands over his eyes, he muttered, "Uhm...slapping myself helps me think?" A chuckle ensued throughout the classroom, with the addition of several girls giggling about how cute and funny he was.

"All right then. If that's the case, find some other way to slap yourself. One that doesn't distract the rest of us, thank you!"

"Y-Yes, Dr. C." Immediately, the students swerved back to their papers, scribbling away with their pencils.

Out of the corner of his eye, Atticus could see Zane leaning over to whisper something in Lex's ear. He couldn't hear, but you can bet he dreaded over what he may have said. Perhaps something about how dumb he was, how incredibly smart Lexi was, and/ or whether she'd like another thigh-rubbing?

For a moment, the Prince felt like he was ready to cry. His chocolate eyes burned with tears begging to leak out. But he didn't; couldn't afford to. All he could do was wipe his eyes dry with his knuckles and force himself to turn his attention away from the pair. There was a quiz to be taken, even if he didn't have the heart to do such.

He stared down at the quiz sheet blankly, pencil now in hand. Taking a deep, pensive breath and exhaling more air than he should've, he filled in the answers to all twenty questions...or at least, he thought he did.

* * *

Meanwhile, Chazz was lurking around the corner. Class had been dismissed, and rivers of tired Obelisks, Ras and Slifers flooded the hallways, taking a refreshing drink of free period before the next round of lessons. 

The Slifer Rebel, at the moment, was embarking on a secret investigation. And the first order of business was to sneak into Dr. Crowler's class. He peeked around a corner to watch the class depart. Somewhere in the midst, he could spot his golden-haired angel, with that spoiled smarty-pants Truesdale following closely behind her. Normally, he would've wanted to lunge out and strangle him. But not now.

Next, Chazz spotted Atticus, whom he suspected to follow the two. To his surprise, Rhodes did nothing of the sort. Instead, while they strolled left (to the lighthouse, he presumed), Atticus was slumping to the right, head hanging down and feet dragging.

_Su-SPIC-ious! _

When the crowds moved on, Chazz scrambled to the door, eyeing Crowler at his desk. The teacher looked as though preparing to grade a stack of quiz papers. Rhodes's had to be somewhere in that stack. And if Chazz knew anything about anything, he knew that you could learn a great deal from examining one's test papers. He knew that from personal experience.

But how to get at it?

Just then, he spotted the notorious Ra Yellow nerd, Bastion Misawa, lumbering past with a stack of books as high as the ceiling! Or so it looked like.

A devious smirk etched into Princeton's lips. Guess what he did then?

He zoomed behind Misawa...and delivered a hearty kick to the seat of his pants!

_"AHH!" _the poor boy yelped, flipping over and smashing onto the linoleum belly-up...only to be assaulted by an avalanche of books.

"Ow, ow, _OWW! _My head! _OW, _my ribcage! _DARN IT, _my spleen!!"

As Chazz had planned, Crowler came rushing out of the classroom to see what all the commotion was. Long enough for Princeton to dash in there, seize the entire stack, circle back around and disappear around the corner.

* * *

At the Slifer dorm, he crept into his room, hopefully without the attention of the other "slackers" that lived there. Tossing the disheveled stack onto his bed, Chazz proceeded to lock the door and cram chairs in the way. 

He dusted his hands. "There. That oughta keep everyone off my back 'til I'm done here!"

_"Done with what, Boss_?" Ojama Yellow peered from an open drawer. The Duel Spirit and his brothers, Black and Green, had been napping there for most of the morning, and were now curious by the stack of papers their "boss" was hastily shuffling through.

"Shut up, parasites! Can't you see I'm busy?"

_"Ooooh, you're busy with somethin'? Can we help?" _volunteered Ojama Black.

"Of course...by being quiet and outta the way! Now let's see-"

_"Hey, look! Origami paper!" _cheered Ojama Green, who was folding a quiz paper into the shape of Chazz's head.

He swatted the monster away. "Gimme that!" He uncrumpled the sheet, to discover that it was Zane's: neat, concise, and one hundred forty percent accurate.

"Oh. This is Truesdale's. Never mind, fool around with this one, if you want." He tossed it over his shoulder and came to another one. This one was Alexis's. Chazz looked to his right, then to his left...before carefully folding it into a square and slipping it into his coat. Later, he would add it to his shrine.

_"Why're you keeping that one, Boss?" _

"None of your beeswax, okay? Now shush, I gotta find Atticus's!" He showered his whole bedroom with test after test, tossing each this way and that without a care about where they'd land...until he reached a paper near the bottom.

He paused to look it over. He recognized the name and slanted, scribbly handwriting as none other than Atticus Rhodes's. You wouldn't believe what he read over! Why, instead of answers, most of it was only more questions, disturbingly personal ones:

_1. Why don't you like me? _

_2. How come I don't have the meatballs to tell you? _

_3. We hardly spend any time together anymore. _

_4. What do you see in Lexi that I lack?! _

_5. You're mad at me about the boloney thing, aren't you? I wasn't high when I did it. I was just trying to get your attention. _

_6. It should be ME rubbing your thigh secretly in class..._

And it pretty much went on like that for the rest.

Chazz felt an eye twitch. Was this really Atticus's paper? Or a tipsy fangirl's??

_"Yow-za! Looks like you found a love-note thingy, Boss!" _pointed Ojama Yellow. _"What's it mean?" _

But Chazz said nothing more. He was too busy computing all this in his head...and gradually forming a twisted grin at the ideas of how this could be manipulated for his benefit.

**_TO BE CONTINUED..._**

* * *

_**Hey, Kaisre: would you be mad if I got the quiz idea from one of your fics? I wasn't trying to copy you. **_

**_Sorry this took so long, as well. I didn't have anything until today, when it bashed me with a frying pan. My head still hurts from the brainstorm..._**


	5. A Vile Proposition

**_Disclaimer:_ I do not any or all featured entities in this segment. I rent them. **

* * *

**Why does Att think about rubbing thighs? Let's just say that he looks to me like someone who obsesses over romantic things...or at least, anything sexual. Though I could be wrong. I've been plenty wrong before.**

**Thank you, Marufuji. But honestly, I'm no genius. Everybody tells me that, but frankly I'm just a wacko kid who can't keep her random ideas to herself. Still, feels good that you and others are enjoying this story. **

* * *

**_PART V_**

Through the rest of the day, Atticus could spare not a heartbeat's worth of attention to his lessons. He'd just slink further and further away from his sister and his obsession to the point where he hoped they wouldn't see him. And he continued to watch them, despite the hurt it generated deep down. All he had to keep him company was that parasitic green-eyed monster nibbling at his brain.

When the school day had officially ended, he still was not at ease. Knowing all too well where Lex and Zane would be off to, he sniffed, and finally forced himself to shuffle off to the beach. But he wasn't going there to surf. Not this time.

As usual, his hoards of jumpy fangirls stood cluttered by the shores in their swimsuits, beseeching him to come hither among them, perhaps even display new crackerjack tricks on his surfboard.

"Hiya, Atti! Come over here! Say, where's your board?"

He locked eyes with the adoring flock. "Oh. Hey, ladies." That twinkle in his eyes the girls had known so well had vanished; his jolly tone had been reduced to a flat one, bereft of emotion.

"What's the matter, Atti? You look so sad!"

Atticus didn't feel the need to drag them into the conflicts of his love life, so he tried flashing a teeny, pained smile. "Ah, it's nothing! Honest to goodness, nothing at all."

"Then why not surf for us, Atti-kins?"

"I...don't feel like it today."

Now this statement was enough for the girls to set off an uproar. How could their beloved Prince _ever _not feel like showing off to them? It upset the natural order of things!

"But you _can't _not feel like it, baby! It's not possible!"

Rhodes tugged at a lock of his hair. How could these ladies only think of themselves and their need to satisfy their desires? Then again, it wasn't like he was any better...

"I am only human," he murmured. "Did you ever think that maybe I've been wantin' to do...something else?"

An awkward silence followed. He wasn't sure whether the girls were thinking this over, or they were just staring at his chest...or "unmentionable area".

"Like what? Being an underwear model? Or a pop star, like you always say you wanna be?"

Atticus snapped his fingers. "Oh, yeah! A pop star! That's the other thing I've always wanted to do! Heh, heh..." It wasn't a lie; that was his dream career. But right now, what he longed for, even more than that, was to be the lover of a certain Kaiser who was off with his sister, doing Lord-knows-what.

One girl spoke up: "Then how about singing us one of your songs?" The rest exchanged nods and giggles of anticipation. Surely their dreamboat had a lovely voice to go with his striking looks?

He gulped. "Uh...s-sure! In fact, I wrote a song last night, for you gals! You really wanna hear?"

"Atti, Atti, Atti, Atti!" He took that as a "hell, yes". The only problem was that he didn't actually have a song at the moment. For ten seconds he just stood there, hands behind his back.

"What's the matter? Pharoah's got your tongue?"

"A-hem! N-No, no...no, I...I...g-gimme a sec to remember the lyrics..." He reached up and began to tug on his ear lobes, in an attempt to think up of a song. "Ow, ow, _oww! OWWW!!" _

The fangirls, worried he might pull off his lovely ears, crawled a bit closer, beseeching him to cease. But he finally held up a hand and assured, "I'm fine, ladies! Just fine! I remember it now! Stand back!"

As they complied, Atticus puffed out his chest, took a deep breath, and sang, well, whatever smacked him in the spur of the moment:

_"There's just one thing, baby, I don't understand, _

_You keep on telling me I ain't our kind-a man..._

_"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? _

_Don't cha wish your girlfriend was was a freak like me? _

_"Don't cha...know you're gonna shock the monkey! _

_Shock, shock, sh-sh-shock, _

_Shock the monkey..._

_"We're goin' down, down, in an earlier round, _

_Sugar, we're going down swingin'! _

_I'll be your number one with the bullet..._

_A loaded God-complex, cock it and pull it! _

"Bah-dah, bah-TA-DAAA!!" Rhodes screamed that last part at the top of his lungs, so loud that you could probably hear it from a mile and a half away. Once he finished, he dropped to his knees to catch his breath.

He looked up and expected to see his girls screaming for more. Instead, he found the whole lot of them collapsed on the sand, belly-up like dead goldfishes. Either his musical "talents" were too much for them to bear, or he just knocked them out because he was that dreadful. As much as we'd pity him, the truth is that you can either have superb looks, or a superb voice. Never both. If you had both (or tipped the scales in one area), chances are that a mob will be organizing a "Sue/ Stu-slaughter" for you. I've seen a few, and they're not pretty. But it's all part of the natural order of instinct and the like.

_Anyhow_...the Prince glanced back and forth among the heap of unconscious fangirls, and gagged, "Damn it! Well, at least they're out of it. I'm not just some trick monkey they can wind up whenever they pleased-"

"Wow, Atticus! I never thought I'd hear that outta you!"

"Who's there??"

Suddenly, from the shadows of the trees, a black-coated figure slithered out, his plume of coal-black hair swaying in the breeze (which there was none; he was just holding up a small fan), and lips crowned with a most unpleasant smirk. He only went out enough to still keep his detailed form concealed.

"Wh-Who are you?"

"I know your secret, Rhodes. You don't like _any _of these girls, do you? You only hang out with them so nobody knows-"

Beg his pardon? "I-I don't have a secret! What're you rabbling about?"

"Aw, quit the idiot charades! I pieced together every clue in the puzzle, 'cause I'm good like that! The dark, dirty truth is that-"

_Oh God, please make it stop..._

"YOU'RE IN LOVE! WITH ZANE TRUESDALE!!" the stranger shouted, pointing a denouncing finger at our hero. "PLUS, YOU HATE YOUR OWN BEAUTIFUL SISTER BECAUSE SHE'S WITH HIM ALL THE TIME!!"

That was when poor Atticus went hysterical. He clapped his hands over his pounding head. "Lies! All lies, I tell ya! I _don't _like him like that! I _don't _hate my baby sister! I-"

"Zip it! You might as well come outta the closet, Rhodes! You've been all figured out...by the one and only-"

But then it just ocurred to him: why would this guy call his sister beautiful? Well, many boys thought that, but as far as he knew, only one would be that passionate when saying so. He finally recognized the figure: _"CHAZZ?!" _

"Aww, man! Thanks a lot, you ruined my intense, mysterious look!" Because it was no longer worth it, Princeton stepped all the way out of the shadows, turning the small fan off.

Rhodes crawled to the Slifer rebel, still on his knees, and pleaded, "Chazz, please! Don't squeal! I don't want anyone to know yet! I'm fortunate that the ladies are unconscious, for cryin' out loud! How d'ya even know you're right?!"

Chazz stared back down, pulling a sheet from out of his coat. "Oh, it didn't take much," he boasted. "First off, I was born with these talents! Second off, I jacked _this _from Crowler when he wasn't looking!"

He stared in horror at the pop quiz from this morning. His lack of discretion was being thrown back into his face.

Still, he fought to defend himself: "Well, h-how do you know that's mine? Or that I'm talking about Zane??"

"Phht! Come on, this is your name and handwriting here! And 'what do you see in Lexi that I lack'? That gave it away! Oh, and the boloney thing, too."

That did it. Atticus just up and collasped in defeat. He should've remembered that you can never stay hidden when Chazz was around. _Now _what was he to do? He felt this pressure squeeze out of his eyes in the shape of salty tears, each making a tiny spot in the sand.

To his amazement, however, Chazz was pulling him back on his feet. "There, there, Atticus. What you're feeling is nothing to be ashamed off," he said, placing a palm over his shoulder. "You can't control who you fall in love with. I, too, know your pain. Every day, I try to show a certain angel how much I care, only to be squashed like a mosquito-"

"Look, Chazz, to straighten things out, I don't _hate _Lexi! You're not supposed to hate family...even if they _are _hogging the attentions of your best friend-"

"Will you please stop interrupting me?! I'm trying to comfort you, yeesh! Anyhow, I know how you feel, and I believe it's time to do something about it."

Atticus wiped the tears out with his knuckles. "Like what? I already tried making bigger breasts than her's; we all know how that turned out."

Chazz leaned forward so his mouth was inches away from his ear. "I'll keep my yap buttoned about your crush on Zane. Help me woo Alexis, and then you'll be free to do what you want with him...how's that?"

Atticus listened to the offer with wide eyes. _Help Chazz woo Lexi? I dunno...what if those two really like each other? _If anything, he would've preferred himself as a matchmaker, not a heartbreaker. Despite his own feelings, he wasn't so sure if he could forgive himself for destroying such a close relationship. Besides, what if Zane was strictly straight?

_But what about his own needs?_

Perhaps Chazz was looking into his ear and reading his brain, because he abruptly added, "It's all right. You need time to think it over, I understand. How's about I give you, say, a day to gimme an answer? Three days, at the max. But just keep in mind: every day draws graduation day closer. Zane ain't gonna be here for long, you know..."

**_TO BE CONTINUED..._**

* * *

**_Let me say that any/ all lyrics featured in this chapter are all excerpts from four different songs, put together in the most awkward way thinkable. Hope I don't get in trouble for that...this isn't meant to be a songfic. _**

**_Did I put a stereotype on Chazz? "Evil idiot", you said? Oh dear, I hadn't meant to! If something needs to be changed, please speak. _**


	6. Surfing Slums

**_Disclaimer:_ I do not own any/ all characters featured in this segment. I just rent them.**

* * *

**_PART VI_**

_What should I do? What should I do? _Those four words cycled around Atticus's brain, foreward and backward, side to side. He was busy pondering over Princeton's proposition, and was trying to weigh the pros with the cons.

Well, her little sister could finally have a boyfriend, somebody to worship the very ground she tread upon; that was one pro. Chazz would finally have a girlfriend, somebody he could openly worship the ground they tread upon without the fear of being whacked, smacked, or cracked. That was two. And most importantly, he himself would have a chance to woo his best friend before the end of the year. That was three.

But then what about Zane? And Alexis? Suppose they actually _were _in love? Atticus had always painted himself as a matchmaker, not a heartbreaker. He couldn't possibly bear to tear apart a prefectly sound couple like those two. It'd be too much on his conscience, and his conscience was already bending under the weight of several...other things. And what if Lexi simply found no appeal in Chazz? Still, he could hardly imagine why she would not. Apart from his shadiness and haughty demeanor, he was handsome (though not as handsome as Zane...or himself), he was rich, he possessed great dueling talent. Surely, she would at least find that last trait appealing!

And most of all, what about himself? It hardly seemed fair that everyone else could have someone, and he, the practical love god of Academy Island, could not. He wasn't selfish, mind you; all he was doing to including himself in this problem. Was that wrong? And who knows, maybe they _weren't _in love? If only they were a little more easier to read when it came to emotion...

* * *

In the end, it only took him about fifteen hours to ponder it over. The next morning, when Chazz had gone off to the boys' hot spring and was proceeding to strip down to his birthday suit, Atticus had appeared magically to hand the young Slifer the fluffiest and warmest towel they had to offer. 

This, of course, took him by utter surprise. "WHOA! Atticus? What're you doin' here, you perv?" he demanded, quickly twisting his legs and fanning his hands to conceal his "unmentionable area".

Atti had shielded his eyes with one hand, and held out the towel with the other. "Here, Chazz. I came over to give you my answer. It's okay, I'm not looking. See?"

"Oh, yeah? Well, that was fast." Chazz seized the towel and hastily wrapped it around himself.

"I've decided," he paused to take a gulp, "that I...wanna help you woo Lexi."

A smirk came to the rebellious one at that statement. Perfect! "I knew you'd see it the right way, Rhodes. Excellent choice, indeed. Now, if you wanna get Truesdale to like you, first you gotta get Lexi away from him, and push her towards me. Tell me, how do_ you_ get girls to swoon for you?"

Atticus scratched his head. "Weeeelllll...don't even think about boloney, 'cause I already tried that. I-I usually surf for the ladies. They like that a lot, 'specially when I wear my special wetsuit to show my, er, _bulges. _I don't think Alexis is into surfing, though. And you need to be extremely balanced."

"Mm-hm, yeah, Att. You're the most balanced guy I've ever met." (Note the dry sarcasm that flickered in Chazz's tone.) "And all you do is stand on a board on the water! My mom's retarded parrot can do that!" To prove his point, he climbed on top of a bench and posed the way a surfer would. "Cowabunga, dudes! Gnarly pounders! Hang ten!"

Atticus was slightly miffed at this mockery to his sport, but he remained silent. If Chazz insisted to surf, then what choice did but to teach him? Even though he didn't look like he could do any sport water-related, or board-related.

He let out a sigh. "Okay, fine. I'll get you a wetsuit and a board...and my sister. Meet me at the beach at ten, if you can."

* * *

Ten o' clock struck sooner than he expected. "You all right back there, Chazz?" 

Princeton came waddling down the beach in a slick black suit with lightning bolts on it. "It's kinda hard to walk in this thing! It's too tight, and it's giving me an comfortable wedgie!"

"Stop whining, you asked to do this. Got your board?"

"Right over my head." Chazz had recieved a white board, with a circle of doves around a picture of his beloved. Surely that would catch her attention, so he could wow her even further with his surfing talents!

Surprisingly (and simultaneously, not surprisingly), the ladies were all still there, ranting their boy-centered rants. Guess the rotten singing did not drive them away from Rhodes's charms.

"Oh, look! Atti's back, gals! And he's got a protege with him!"

"Aww, man! I wanted to be his protege and have him teach me to ride the surfboard! And when I say that, I don't mean just at the beach."

"I thought Lexi was his protege?"

"Eww, isn't that incest?"

Atticus held up his hands, automatically shushing the flock up. "Uh, hello again, ladies. Today, Chazz and I have a special treat for you: he's gonna be surfing along with me! And before you ask, no, I'm not sleeping with him. I don't hafta tell ya, but I am NOT gay!" Chazz just shot him a look, on account of that was a blazing lie...the part about not being gay, not the part about not sleeping with him.

"Cool beans! _Two _hot boys performing? A wish come true!" The groupies squealed their fangirlish squeals.

"_After _I go and fetch a certain little sister! Warm 'em up, Chazz, just 'til I get back!" In a haste, Rhodes vanished into a cloud of sand, leaving Princeton to stare at the girls for the longest time. It wasn't that he had stage fright; he never had that. He was just creeped out by their overly eager expressions, with their twinkling eyes and drooling out of the corners of their mouths.

_That can't possibly be what I look like around Alexis! Could it? _

"Uh...how ya doin', ladies? Ready for the Chazz to show off his awesome Chazzliness?" He was answered by a group "WA-ZOO!" Must've been something Rhodes had them doing.

"Awright, here we go! Cowabunga, dude!" With that, he dipped into the opposite direction, landing the surfboard onto the tumultuous waves while lying on his belly. Honestly, he wasn't sure what the hell he was doing, but he tried to mimic what he'd see the pros on TV do, to make up for it. He paddled with his forearms out into the deeper waters, though I may want to note that he was going out a tad too far, since all the choiciest waves were further out.

When he felt himself being lifted from underneath, he took that as a cue to get up on his feet...a more difficult part. Sticking his tongue out (and recieving raving remarks about how cute he looked doing that), he carefully pushed himself up by the palms, wiggling precariously to the left and right.

"Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!" he cried, flailing his arms in frantic circles and dancing from foot to foot. This of course, incited a large cackle from the audience. If only they could recognize that Chazz was about to kill himself and was not just clowning about.

Just when he thought he was actually getting the "hang-ten" of it, the hungry wave immediately swallowed him whole. His surfboard went off tumbling into a random direction.

"Hey! Where'd he go?"

Suddenly, they spotted a floundering Slifer boy bobbing out and under the surface, the current proceeding to sweep him away. "Ahhh! D-Don't worry about me!" he gurgled. "I'm definately not getting swept away into a watery grave and seeing my life flash before my eyes!"

"Really? Okay, then!"

"He looks like he needs help, guys."

"Nonsense! He said he was fine!"

"Oh." This is why sarcasm is not always the best response to a life-and-death situation.

* * *

Still in his wetsuit, Atticus found his sister at her usual spot: at the lighthouse, with dear old Zane. He braked on his heels for a minute or two, wincing from that momentary nip from the green-eyed monster. But in the end, he took a deep breath and exclaimed, "Zane! Lexi!" 

The two Royals turned from the ocean to face him. It was odd, but they both appeared a tad...concerned. He wondered if it was about him?

"What is it now, Atticus?" Zane inquired.

"Uhh...I just wanted to ask Alexis if she could come with me to the beach. But you can tag along, too. If you'd like."

"For what?" asked his sister, one eyebrow raised in suspicion.

"Well, see, uh...a buddy of mine and I were planning to put on this show, and-"

_"HEEEELLLP!" _

"What was that?"

Rhodes twitched with recognition at that desperate outcry. If he wasn't mistaken, that sounded a lot like-

"Is that _Princeton _out there?" Indeed, Zane was correct. Somehow, Chazz had managed to ride along the back of a current, all the way down the shores, to the docks. He was still gasping for air, and struggling to at least keep his spiky head above the water...now if only I could say it wasn't too late to save his hair-do.

_"I'm too young to die! And handsome! I'd rather have my soul snatched by a psychopath in a duel! Least my hair would still be okay!" _

Well, somebody had to get out there and shut him up. And because he was the most equipped for the job and because this was, to say the least, partially his fault, Atticus dropped his surfboard and made a dash for it. "I'm comin', Chazz!"

"Atti, wait!"

_KER-SLAAASSSSHH!! _

Off he went, cutting through the ocean like a torpedo launched by a Submarine-roid, until he could finally seize the damsel in distress by the wrist (you've got to be a good swimmer, if you'd want to be a surfer). No sooner had he done that, however, did Chazz cling to him like a thorn, wailing for dear life.

"H-Hey, now! You're gonna pull us both down!" he cried between gargles.

Fortunately, Zane was kind enough to get a life-saver from inside the lighthouse, with a rope tied to it. It wasn't an ordinary life-saver, either; it was more of a purple floaty with green spots, and shaped like the imaginary dinosaur Barney (well, that's why it called improvising). It was also fortunate that he had a decent arm for when he tossed it out to the boys, just before they had gotten too far out.

Atticus wrapped one arm around the tube, his other arm around an exhausted Chazz. Back on the docks, Zane and Alexis both grabbed the rope to pull the two back into shore. When they fished them out of the sea like two trouts, Chazz was twitching like mad, clawing at the air like he was experiencing a seizure. Atticus, on the other hand, was on his belly, as limp as an unused puppet.

"Oh, God...looks like he could use some mouth-to-mouth," Alexis breathed, kneeling at her brother's side to take his pulse.

Zane looked a little hesitant for a heartbeat or three. It looked like he'd have to be the one to do that part. Still, being the actual good-natured friend that he was, he commanded Alexis to stand back, then got down on his knees, positioned his friend's head just so, and took a considerably deep inhale...

In reality, Atticus had not lost consciousness; he was just tuckered out from having to swim so far out to save a drowning egotist. But good Lord, you should've seen his expression when his eyes fluttered open...to find his crush's lips pressed tightly against his own, puffing oxygen, made sacred just by breathing it, into his own humble windpipe!

Now he felt like he actually needed CPR, because his heart skipped at least two beats. Could it be? Zane Truesdale was finally smacking mouths? _With him?? _Or was this just a hallucination induced by his tiredness? Either way, something inside him told him not to waste the moment, no matter what. So you know what he did?

With all the might he could muster, he forced his lips back on Zane's, with one hand shooting up to grab his wrist and pull him closer. How peculiar...he tasted like strong peppermint...

Of course, you could only expect Zane to widen his eyes, as if saying, "What the hell?!" He pulled away quite forcefully, almost chapping Atticus's lips and his own. Rhodes felt as though a part of him had been swiftly ripped out of his chest and disposed of.

_"P-tooey! _Atticus, what was that for?" Truesdale demanded, trying his best to wipe off any excess saliva produced from their brief contact.

"Um...I-I was delirious?" he replied meekly, a hand over his chest to squeeze the ache away.

Chazz had not been unconscious, either. He stopped twitching right when Zane had administered the "kiss of life". Watching the whole scene made him wonder...

"Uh, 'scuse me? I was the one who was drowning to start with. And my hair's a disgrace; I could use some mouth-to-mouth, too. And since Truesdale looks too disgusted, I guess it's up to you to kiss me back to life...Lexi?" He sat up and flirtatiously blinked his charcoal-black eyes to the Obelisk Queen.

He didn't get the response he was aiming for. Instead of a kiss, he recieved a nice, constricting hug from the Barney floaty and a trip back to the sea. At least he had protection, this time.

"Up yours, Princeton."

**_TO BE CONTINUED..._**

* * *

**_I'm sorry, was the ending of this chappie a little rushed? Something that just came to me while I pondered how to follow up. _**

**_Hopefully, you won't find the next chappie as disappointing..._**

**_(PS: God forbid a girl should be doing any mouth-to-mouth on her brother...or the guy she doesn't like.) _**


	7. Deja Vu And Mary Sues?

**_Disclaimer:_ I do not own any/ all characters featured in this segment. I just rent them. Same goes for the lyrics to the waffle song.

* * *

How low have I sunken? I've been stuck on this for so long, I've resorted to ripping off ideas...from myself! **

Well, not exactly. I changed a couple of things. 

* * *

**_PART VII_**

"Well, that worked out better than expected! You got to lock lips with Zane, but why didn't I get to with Lexi? I thought you were a friggin' love god?" The two boys had managed to slink away and found themselves back at the beach. They both had towels over their shoulders, and Chazz was hissing and spitting like a soaked cat.

"I am! But-"

"I almost drowned, because of your stupid idea! Do you know how much time to takes to get this beautiful plume on my head to be the Chazziest hairdo that's ever existed?"

HIS idea? Well, how dare Chazz! Why was it that he had to sponge up the credit when a hair-brained scheme went well, but pointed the finger at the next convenient guy when it went terribly wrong?

"W-Well, I warned you, that surfing wasn't your thing! Lexi doesn't care for the sport, anyhow."

"That would've been nice to know!"

Atticus opened his mouth to remind the younger one that he had told him that, but gave up on that. Princeton was just too stubborn. Perhaps he could try cooling him down by suggesting another idea? "Awright, look. I'm sorry you almost drowned, and I'm sorry my sister didn't kiss you. But never fear: the love god's still got a couple of tricks in his diaper! Know what I mean?"

Chazz kept glaring at him, like he was trying to bore holes into his head. This unraveled the Obelisk Prince so much, he had to look away and twirl a lock of his hair around his finger, just to try ignoring it. "Well, when athletics fail to woo the ladies, there's always music. Women are very partial to artists. There's just something about the way a guy caresses a guitar that turns them on, I guess."

Chazz stroked his bony chin thoughtfully. "Music, huh? But I can't play guitar."

Atticus shrugged. "Well, it doesn't hafta be a guitar. Could be the drums, or the piano, or the flute, or the triangle-"

"Sorry, buddy. But the only instument the Chazz plays is the duel disk." If music failed, they could always fall back on that. Still, it wouldn't hurt to give music a chance; after all, that was what made the world go round. After dueling, of course. And Zane Truesdale.

"Singing's an instrument, too. Imagine: standing outside her window, singing her a classy love song...and she'll be watching you from the balcony in a lacy pink gown, sighing...as your two hearts waltz across the stars to the notes...with a nice, silvery full moon, for the cherry on top..."

"Yeah." Chazz shut his eyes for just a minute, to picture all of this. The more he did, the more driven he felt to win the girl over. Atti could see this by the slight skip in his step, and his eyes taking on the shape of fat, pink hearts when they opened. In fact, he closed his own eyes to picture it, himself. Only he was the one serenading, and Zane was the beloved on that balcony. He had the silky baby-blue nightgown on and everything!

Alas! Princeton popped the little dream bubble with, "Okay, so what song should I sing to her?"

"Huh? What? Oh, yeah. Luckily, I know tons and tons of love ballads. I'm like a Mix 100.7 for romantic songs! Oh, I already got one that could be your song when you guys get together! _Baby, baby, I'm taken with the notion, to love you with the sweetest of devotion!" _How unfortunate, that Rhodes believed himself to be some kind of songbird...when in reality, he sounded more like a buzzard, with laryngitis. But, you must give him credit for trying.

Chazz poked a finger in each of his ears. "Okay, okay, I get it! You've only sung two verses, and it's all butchered! What I want is a love song that tells her precisely how I feel, but with a beat and lyrics that make it a completely...original! A novelty love song! Something that's as Chazzy as I am! Oh, and it has to be something you haven't sung."

Atticus raised an eyebrow. He thought "Baby, Baby" would do just fine. And just how did he butcher it? He excused it as a petty, jealous remark of his artistic italents. Scratching his head and rolling his eyes, he took a moment to open the file cabinet that was his memory and look at all the songs that were in there. He only found one song with everything Chazz asked for, but would he agree?

"Well, there is one. And it's such a novelty, no one's ever thought of using it as a love song."

The Slifer rebel twitched his ears in curiosity. "I'm listening."

Taking a deep breath, sparing a moment to wonder if this song was appropriate, he leaned in and began to whisper in Chazz's ear.

* * *

The _next _morning, Atticus climbed into the air vent in the boys' bathroom, crawling about the system until he could see the hallways. Good thing he was thin and well-built; otherwise, he would've never got in! Still, it wasn't very comfortable, sitting up there on his lonesome, the icy-cold steel squeezing him from all sides. On top of that, he had a boom box clutched against his chest, and had donned a vivid green T-shirt for the occasion, decorated with plates of steamy, heart-shaped waffles and pancakes. In front of him, he had pancakes and French toast. 

He waited for class to be dismissed, as planned. Chances were, he'd get detention for skipping class; not to mention, fall behind. Not that it mattered very much. He was going to get held back anyway, for having missed well over half the school year when he was a masked emo with a fetish for dragons.

When that final bell rang, all the students came spouting out of their classes, mumbling and grunting about the barrels of homework they were assigned. The commotion shook the entire vent like a rattle. It startled poor Atticus so much, he banged the top of his head against the ceiling; for just a moment, he could see a bunch of disembodied, frowning heads that looked like Zane's orbit around his crown! His ears rang like a Motorola Razor phone.

A raspy, sing-song voice brought him back to his senses: _"Hiiiiiiii, Lex!" _Sounded like Chazz. He must've caught up with Alexis. He shook himself to recollect his bearings, and wormed his way to peek out from between the iron bars. The two were walking, side by side. Judging by the huffy breath that his sister made, she didn't seem to appreciate Chazz's presence.

"What is it now, Chazz?"

Chazz put a finger to his chin, trying to look cute. A good technique, if you were aiming to pick a girl up. "Oh, nothing in particular, Lex. I just had a teensy question...do you like waffles?"

This made her stop in her tracks, inches ahead of the spot where Atticus was looking. Naturally, Chazz stopped with her. "_What _did you say?"

Princeton cleared his throat, a vivid pink blush blotching his cheeks and around the bridge of his nose. Atticus simply couldn't help but grin. If there was anyone that could bring proud old Chazz to his knees (besides Jaden on the dueling field), it would be his sister.

"I said, do you like waffles?" He had a plate of heart-shaped waffles behind his back, just as they had planned. He pulled it out for the little lady to see, smothered with syrup and a thick, melting slab of butter.

She put a hand to her forehead. "All right, fine! Yes, I like waffles, who doesn't?"

"Do you also like...pancakes?"

This was Atticus's cue to take the soggy heart-shaped pancakes through the bars, being careful to drop it onto the plate.

_SPLAT! _Right on top of the waffles! Alexis looked up, curious about where that had fallen, while Chazz just kept grinning. "Uh...yeah, I like pancakes?"

"Excellent! How 'bout French toast, you like French toast, too?"

_Cue the toast! _Atticus took two slices of crisply, heart-shaped toast (he'd cut them himself), buttered and lightly coated in cimmamon. This time, he missed the mark by about two or three inches, and dropped them into Chazz's hair. At the instant felt butter and crumbs dribble through his scalp, marring his thick and beautiful mane (he had just had it reshaped, too! Oh, the inhumanity!), he grimaced, twisting his face up even more than Dr. Crowler would if you dropped a book on his foot!

"What's wrong with your face?" Of course, Lex did notice the toast dropping from the ceiling, but was too afraid to ask about that.

Realizing he was making a face at her, Chazz clucked with his tongue and hastily dug through his hair to retrieve the French toast. "Oh, n-never mind about that! You like French toast, right?" He slapped the spoiled slices over the pancakes, flaky and crumbly and with several strands of hair on them.

The girl sucked in her cheeks as her breakfast curdled in her stomach. Not a good sign.

Eventually, she sighed, "Yes, Chazz, I like French toast. I like waffles, and pancakes, and French toast, and any kind of breakfast food...that doesn't have hair on it. But now I've got a question: why would all this matter to you?"

_Here it goes..._

"Thought you'd never ask!" He waved his arm in the air. "Cue the music, Atticus!"

"Wait, you got my brother to-"

At the signal, Rhodes, with the boom box clutched to his chest, made an attempt to tumble out of the vent. It took a bit of rolling around, and plenty of grunting, but in the end, he found himself diving headfirst for the linoleum! The square of iron bars made a loud _CLANG _as it hit the floor, making several heads turn to see what the matter was.

_"WOO-HOO!" _He hadn't gotten very far, at first; he got stuck in the opening by his waist and had to squirm about to break free, like a butterfly emerging from its caccoon. Chazz made another grimace. Lex covered her eyes. The by-standers were giggling and whispering to each other.

_POP! _

_"WOO-HOO! OW!" _How fortunate it was that he could turn himself over and land on his feet- or rump, in this case-, just like a cat! His head probably would've smashed to smithereens, like a watermelon! Still, it took him at least three seconds to recollect himself. Three seconds of shaking his head violently, making a loud raspberry in the process.

Smoothing out his tousled hair, he gave his sister a brotherly wave. "Hey, Lex!" He pushed the shiny plastic "Play" button on top of the boom box. Instantly, gay rock music smothered the atmosphere. Chazz scooted up very close to his lady and started singing (or rather, shrieking) into her ear:

_"Do you like waffles?" _

Atticus swayed to the beat and shrieked back:

_"Yeah, she likes waffles!" _

_"Do you like pancakes?" _

_"Yeah, she likes pancakes!" _

_"And do you like French toast?" _

_"Yeah, she likes French toast!" _

_"Doo-doo-doo-doo, can't wait to get a mouthful!" _

Would you want to know what he meant by "getting a mouthful"? I'd figure you wouldn't, and neither did Alexis. She started backing away from the two, as if she feared they'd jump on her. But her persistent suitor kept dancing around her, while Atticus continued to chant "Waffles!"

These next few lines, Chazz made up, to sound a teensy bit more romantic:

_"Did I ever tell you that--" _

_"WAFFLES!" _

_"Your hair is the color of syrup?" _

_"WAFFLES!" _

_"You're my little pancake--" _

_"WAFFLES!" _

_"And I could eat you all up!" _

"It's working, Chazz! Way to lay that syrup on her! Bring it on home, now!"

"Okay! _Do you like waffles?" _

_"Yeah, she likes waffles!" _

_"Do you like pancakes?" _

_"Yeah, she likes pancakes!" _

_"Do you like French toast?" _

_"Yeah, she likes French toast!" _

_"Doo-doo-doo-doo, can't wait to get a mouthful...YEAH!" _

On that note, the Slifer's face swam up to the Obelisk's, until they were just a half-inch away from making lip contact. He puckered his lips, ready to close in for that magical kiss that's supposed to mark the beginning of a beautiful romance...

Alas! He never got the chance.

_WHACK! WHACK, WHACK! _Right in the kisser, just like that! Everyone watched in awe as that tough old Slifer boy fell on his back, dazed out of his wit, and cheeks as red and bulbous as two tomatoes. But despite this, Atticus could see that watery look in Chazz's half-open eyes that usually accompanies the sting of blatant rejection.

His heart twinged in sympathy for the boy, but all he could say was, "Oww...that is _so _cold. Chazz, I told you that you should've sung 'Baby, Baby'!" It's too bad that he failed to notice the food that had been flung in the air after Alexis had smacked Chazz. In just the blink of an eye, he had the entire soggy, sticky, crumbly stack on his head!

_SPLAT! _Two beautiful manes were maimed that day. Oh, the inhumanity!

A thick stream of syrup trickled right down his nose, trailing over the tip. He licked up as much as he could, feeling naked in front of his peers, who were now roaring with laughter. It didn't feel like the good kind of nakedness, either, like the way one may feel just before he lays his best friend. It was the bad kind, like the way one may feel when he rushes to class without pants on, because he forgot them in his best friend's bedroom.

Alexis wrung her hands in disgust, then shooed everyone away. "All right, everyone, move! There's nothing to see here! There never was! Shoo!" No one dared to defy the commands of the Obelisk Queen, so they complied, hurrying off in hapazard directions as Dr. Crowler came storming out into the hallway. About time, he showed up.

"Mr. Rhodes! Mr. Princeton! What's the meaning of all this hell-raising?"

At first, neither of the two were conscious enough to answer. But after ten seconds, they trembled simultaneously and pointed at each other denouncingly. "It was HIS idea!"

Crowler merely shook his head. "I don't care who the genius behind this shinanigan was! I do not tolerate such rambunctious conduct at this learning establishment! And what a dreadful waste of food!" Swiftly, he pulled out a pad of paper and a menacing red pen. Furiously, he wrote up two detention slips and divided them among the boys.

How could he? Atticus was an Obelisk, and an associate of Zane's! There should be a law against giving detention to people who knew Zane!

The professor turned to Alexis. "Miss Rhodes?"

"I had nothing to do with this, sir. They just jumped out at me, singing and everything." She pointed at the open vent in the ceiling.

"Well, I never! Mr. Rhodes, I always knew you were a tad unorthodox, but this is crossing some boundaries, don't you think?"

"B-B-But Dr. C.! Chazz said-"

"I told you to do what? You suggested it first! And you said it would work!"

"I didn't guarantee-"

Like Crowler had said, it didn't matter who started it. He just reached out and grabbed them both by the ears, much to their humiliation. Perhaps now would be a wonderful time to start their sentence?

"Come with me, gentlemen! And clean yourselves up! You look like pigs!"

Chazz tried to break free, flailing his limbs this way and that. Singing about waffles was all right, but being led about like some sort of bratty toddler was no impression to make for a woman! "Hey, this is undignified! The Chazz doesn't like being handled! Except if Alexis is doing it."

Speaking of Alexis, she had had about enough. With a toss of her syrup-gold hair, she huffed and marched in the opposite direction. Watching her go drained all the color out of Chazz's persona so thoroughly, Atticus swore he could see it all in a puddle on the floor. Gee, and to think that the thorny old Slifer couldn't get any more paler!

Crowler noticed his boot in the middle of the black and sallow mess, and sneered. "Ugh, I expect that washed up, as well!"

* * *

For the most part, neither boy spoke to each other during detention. Atticus scrubbed the left side of the hall, down on his knees. _Oh, merciful gods of rock,_ he prayed, please _don't let Zane grace these hallways while I'm here. He'll think I'm even crazier than before...but can I help it? It's in my blood. My side of the blood, at least. _

Chazz had taken the right side. Oh, but he wasn't doing anything. God forbid that Chazz Princeton do a stroke of tedious custodian work. Completely unbeknownst to his prison pal, he was making his Ojamas do all the scrubbing, while he just leaned against the wall, sulking about the waffle incident.

The ghostly, grotesque trio sang to make the work go faster, snapping their fingers to the beat. _"Oh, do we like waffles?" _

_"Yeah, we like waffles!" _

_"Do we like pancakes?" _

_"Yeah, we like pancakes!" _

_"And you we like-" _

"Shut up, already!" Chazz snarled, pounding his fist against the wall. The three clung onto each other in fear of what their Boss might do to them.

_"We can't help it, Boss! That song is so catchy! That girl may not've liked it, but we sure do!" _squeaked Ojama Yellow.

"Make it your national anthem and everything, but don't sing that again! Not in the Chazz's presence."

"Chazz, who are you talking to?"

"Ah, no one!" He pressed the poor little monsters against the wall with his hand, squeezing them like three office toys with their eyes bulging out of their sockets. "I can talk to myself if I wanna! Especially since now I have to do time along with you! Thanks to your stupid idea!"

Atticus tried not to argue. Arguing with Princeton was like mooning a mule: it'd kick you into next month. He should know. He'd done that before on a class trip in third grade. A kid dared him.

_"Weeellll..._maybe some girls don't appreciate music as much as others? Or food. I mean, take a look at the whole female population of the student body and tell me if you see a fat one."

"Get over yourself, man," Chazz snorted. "Deep down, you think they're all Plain Janes, compared to Zane."

_"What's a Plain Jane?" _wheezed Ojama Green. Their Boss pressed them tighter against the wall to shut them up, glancing up and down the halls. When he looked down, he spotted a girl. But this one was no Plain Jane, not in the least bit! He could tell because she left a blazing pink trail behind her, smelling like a sickly assortment of perfumes. It was enough to make him stumble backward in a queazy daze and bash the back of his head into the wall, setting the Ojamas free.

_"YOW-ZA! Hey, is that a Plain Jane?" _grunted Ojama Black.

_"I don't think that's plain, boys. Look at her hair! It's all streaky, like a rainbow! And all drapy, like curtains!" _

_"Yeesh, we'd better make like bananas and split! She's got no soul, I can sense it!" _So they did.

Atticus smelled the perfume and became a tad light-headed. "Pee-yew! What smells like inhumanly perfect feminine grace? Even my sister doesn't smell that bad!" He looked in the direction where Chazz had looked, and instantly wished he hadn't. The girl stopped to flash a smile that shone like an array of diamonds and pearls; nearly made the boy blind! Her shiny, round eyes...well, if you had the meatballs to look at them, you couldn't tell what color they were, because they kept changing precisely every two minutes! But for a rough estimate, you could probably compare them to gemstones.

And her breasts? Oh, just the size of watermelons. It baffled Atticus, how she could walk with those things! Eat your heart- and your ovaries- out, ladies of Victoria's Secret!

He looked at the perfume trail. "Oh, dude! We just cleaned that!" Normally, he would be polite to any girl, despite being gay. But something in his groin told him that this was no girl! From Earth, at least.

She giggled, her voice tinkling like silver bells. "Oh, excuse me, gentlemen!"

"Who are you? WHAT are you?"

She did a bow, her breasts caressing the floor. "Marianne Suzanne Anderpheonukidaleton, at your service! But you may call me Mary Sue, for short. I would ask which way it was to the lighthouse, but since I've got an intelligence quotient of four-hundred eighty lumpillion and two, I already know where it is! Ciao! Adieu! Adios! Sayonara, and Farewell!"

What did those last five words mean? Not like it mattered; why did that living orgy of colors want to see the lighthouse? That was where Zane usually sat and angsted about...everything in the whole livelong world. Woe to the ignorant soul to tried interrupting him.

But what if that "Mary Sue" didn't have a soul to give woe to? What if she snagged Zane before he even got to tell him how he felt?

Oh, as if his own sister wasn't bad enough!

_I gotta do something about Sue! I'd like to boink my best friend and all, but letting my sister boink him is better than that creature boinking him! _

He tried to shake Chazz back to his senses. "Chazz, Chazz! Get up! Zane's in trouble of getting raped by Sue!"

"Wh-Wha? Why should I care? Haven't you gotten me in enough trouble today?"

Atticus thought for a minute, something he hadn't done for quite some time. Suddenly, a lamp clicked on in his head. "Y'know, my little sister likes heroes."

"And...?"

"If you help me rescue Zane and stop that gnarly Sue, Lexi might fall in love with you."

At once, Chazz sat up, as erect as a flagpole. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

**_TO BE CONTINUED..._**

* * *

**_I am soooo sorry this was on hiatus! And most likely, it'll fall back into hiatus, because I have to get ready to move to a new place (that's down the street from where I am now). This'll be the tenth time we've moved. _**

**_Oh, and Mary Sue? Don't take her too seriously; she's just part of the joke...whatever the joke may be. _**


	8. Sue Slain and Hearts Hacked

**_Disclaimer: _Any and all fictional characters featured in this segment belong to Kazuki Takahashi. Except Mary Sue. She won't be around for long, promise! The only reason I made her up was because I couldn't think of something else to move the story along. **

**You know what? I've been working on this story for so long, I think this is going to the last chapter, and thus the longest. And quite possibly the most disappointing for reasons you will find out towards the end. Also, I changed the genre to Parody/ Romance, because this is fucked up, and so am I. Shoot me. **

**_Part VIII_**

"...And that's how my mother killed herself, before my very eyes! The memory haunts me night and day! It's even haunting me right now! _WAAAAAAH!_" Mary Sue dropped down on her knees, her Ra Yellow skirt flapping up to provide a momentary panty-shot. She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, her heart-shaped face in her perfect hands.

Meanwhile, Alexis and Zane had scooted to the far side of the dock. They were now standing behind the lighthouse, waiting for this to blow over. As much as they did not appreciate this intrusion on their quiet-time, they were too cool and collected to lash out at the "girl" with machetes.

"How long do you think she's going to keep this up?" asked Alexis, watching the shrieking Mary Sue curl into a fetal position and writhe about the ground. Her tears were enough to soak her whole side of the dock!

"Not sure. But she's going to have to get tired, sometime."

"And my father? He ran away when I was only three and a half. The last thing I'd ever heard of him was that he was living it up in Europe! Son of a bitch!"

Zane proceeded to pull out two pairs of ear plugs from his pocket, one for him and one for Alexis. Suddenly, he could've sworn he felt somebody humping his leg.

Someone _was _humping his leg, Mary Sue was. Some people have the strong conviction that all of their problems can be alleviated by sleeping with some good-looking guy, as opposed to going to therapy. Mary Sue was one of those people.

Not that that made her a slut, of course. Oh no, _God forbid _one would make such an accusation.

Alexis stepped forward and opened her mouth to say something, but Zane held out an arm. He was more than capable of handling this himself.

"Can I help you?"

Mary Sue stopped and looked up at him, her eyes turning limpid with fresh tears. "Has anyone ever told you that you look like an angel?" she said softly. "And a sexy one, at that."

Zane raised an eyebrow. Seduction by tears...feh! Like that trick had never been pulled on him before.

"Listen, Mary, you're welcome to angst by the lighthouse as long as you like, but I don't think it's necessary of you to be invading someone else's space," said Alexis. Mary Sue glared at her, her eyes changing into a fierce ruby-red hue.

"Well, aren't you one to talk! All day and all night, you're standing with Mr. Hunky-Man here, keeping each other warm with your thighs!"

Alexis slapped her hand across her forehead and scowled. "For the love of Cyber Blader! What, just because a guy and a girl are friends, people need to automatically assume that they're sleeping together?"

"Well, your brother's back and all, so why are you still here?" Mary Sue hissed, making sure to wrap an arm around Zane's trunk. He tried to pry free as quietly as possible while the girls argued. Correction: he _thought_ he could take care of this himself.

"That's it! We're just going to have to settle this the old-fashioned way."

"You mean with a boob contest?"

For a moment, all was silent, save for the waves gently slapping against the dock. Neither Lex nor Zane dared to ask what Mary meant by a "boob contest," but instead, Lex replied, "Uh...no, I mean a duel. And you can let Zane go."

Mary nodded and smirked. "All right, fine! But I must warn you: I am a champion in every single country, from Abkhazia to Zimbabwe!"

Alexis rolled her eyes. If that was true, it helped explain why Mary Sue looked like a color orgy. Things only got stranger when Mary Sue gave a twirl, and two duel disks spontaneously appeared on her arms. She handed one of them to Alexis as though this were a normal occurance. They were about to start, when suddenly-

_"WAAAAIT!" _

Two boys who were armed with duel disks came shimmying down the lighthouse, their coats marred with seagull feathers and their hair in disarray. One of them had a spot of bird droppings on his forehead, and he sure didn't look pleased.

Zane looked up at them. "Atticus? Chazz? How long have you two-?"

Atticus pointed up to the sky. "This is an intervention! I've got you, Zane!" With the reflexes of a Panther Warrior, he lunged at Truesdale and pushed him to the ground, making sure to remain on top of him, to shield him.

"What the-Atticus, what's the meaning of-"

Atticus clapped his hand over Zane's mouth and kept it there. "Ssh, ssh, ssh. It's okay, I'm here." Ignoring the evil look Zane gave him, he turned his head and called, "Chazz, it's up to you! Slay the Sue!"

"Right!" Chazz unlocked his duel disk and stepped in front of Alexis. "Leave this to me, Lexi! I wouldn't want you to bruise any of your features."

Alexis scowled. She hardly ever got a chance to duel anymore, which was entirely unfair. Unfortunately, once Princeton aquired the itch to duel, and had activated his duel disk, there was no stopping him. The two duelists faced each other on either side of the dock, with Chazz starting first. Mary Sue could've made the first move, but that would be impolite, wouldn't it?

He glanced at his hand and smirked. "First, I summon Armed Dragon, Level Three, in Attack Mode!"

**ATK: 1200**

**DEF: 900**

"And I end my turn by setting three face-downs."

Mary Sue cocked her pretty head, eyeing Chazz in an uncomfortably knowing way. "Let me guess; you're ending your turn so that you can summon Armed Dragon, Level Five, right?"

Chazz curled his lips into a sneer. How _dare _she blurt out what he was intending to do! Only he could explain what he did. Nevertheless, when Mary's turn began, Level Three vanished in the cloud of gold, with its larger, redder form taking its place.

**ATK: 2400**

**DEF: 1700**

Mary placed a finger to her lips and smiled. "What's wrong, Chazz? Are you starting to feel distracted by my breasts?"

Chazz turned up his nose. "Please, I only have eyes for one rack...and that rack belongs to Lexi!" If he hadn't been busy dueling, Alexis probably would've slapped him for that remark, not that he'd meant anything mean by it.

On Mary's turn, she drew a card, flashing her pearly-white teeth that were so shiny that Chazz could see his face on them. "I summon The Forgiving Maiden in Defense Mode."

**ATK: 850**

**DEF: 2000**

Next, she revealed a Spell card from her hand, Quick Summon, so that she could make another summoning. "Now I tribute my Maiden to summon..."

She made a dramatic pause, holding the monster card she was about to summon over her head. Everything was so quiet; even the ocean stilled in anticipation.

Eyebrows were raised. "Well? What's your monster? Are you going to summon it any time today?"

"No fear, Chazz!" cheered Atticus, who was still looming over Zane, who in turn was trying to worm his way out from underneath.

Mary Sue gave an indignant pout. "I'm sorry, Princeton, but you'll never get laid with an attitude like that. Where was I? Oh, right. Say hello to..._Malicious Edge!_"

**ATK: 2600**

**DEF: 1800**

Suddenly, an ominous breeze swept the dock as a black being armored in spikes sprang from the concrete, dagger-like claws gleaming.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the bottom step in the Slifer Dorm, Jaden perked up like a startled prairie dog. He put two fingers to his temple and began to quiver all over.

His best friend Syrus turned to him. "What's the matter, Jaden?"

"I...I don't know. I sense some kind of...disturbance."

"You know what disturbance I'm feeling?" grumbled Chumley with his hands over his gigantic girth. "An emptiness in my stomach."

* * *

Everyone at the dock gasped. Truth be told, they all half-expected that Mary would pull off something like this. Nevertheless, none of them thought she'd be _this_ terrible and non-canon. An instinctual spark from within Chazz's brain warned him that this monster wasn't even supposed to exist yet.

Sure enough, he called her out on it. "What the hell is that thing? Where'd you get it?"

Atticus slapped a palm over Zane's eyes, hoping to shield his pretty eyes from such an atrocious monster. "Don't look at it, Zane!"

Mary smiled coyly. "Oh, well, let's just say that I have good connections." She turned her kaleidoscope-like eyes to the sky in the way one might do when they've got a dirty little secret. In this case, Mary's was bribing Pegasus with vintage comic books to draw it up for her. An unlikely and illogical story, yes?

"Pfft, I'm not even going to ask. The sooner I trash that thing, the less time I have to waste looking at it!"

"Nah-ah-ah, it's still my turn, Princeton," Mary chided with a wagging finger.

"Nah-ah-ah," mimicked Chazz with a wave of his arm, "I've got a face-down. I reveal my Trap, Pyro Clock of Destiny, which moves the turn count by one move. That means I skip my Draw Phrase so that I may move on to my Main Phrase." He selected the last two cards from his hand and showed them to Mary, both of which were the Spell, Level Up.

"I use my first Level Up to sacrifice Level Five...so that I can summon my Armed Dragon, Level Seven!"

**ATK: 2800**

**DEF: 1000**

"And my second Level Up is for trading Level Seven...for Armed Dragon, Level Ten!" Chazz's strongest Dragon loomed over the dock, its massive head blotting out the sun, its shadow swallowing everyone whole.

**ATK: 3000**

**DEF: 2000**

"Atticus, get off of me," Zane growled. But Atti only held on a little tighter, vaguely wondering if this shadow was dark enough to keep everyone from seeing him kiss his beloved.

He didn't usually rush into pulling out his biggest guns, but he wanted this duel to end straightaway so Alexis could start fawning over him and how heroic he'd been. Besides, if Jaden could be cheap, then so could he!

Seeing that Mary had only a monster on her side of the field, Chazz waved his arm and declared an attack. "Go, Armed Dragon! Tear her Edge apart!" On this command, his beast swung back its massive paw and swiped at the enemy. The attack sent a dust-kicking gust all around, tossing Mary Sue's hair this way and that. For but a fleeting moment, until her hair mysteriously fell back into place, she looked like the wicked witch that she truly was.

_CRASSSSSHH! _

**Chazz's LP: 4000**

**Mary Sue's LP: 3600**

_Wow, looks like Zane's not the only one with hair that manages itself, _thought Atticus. As he watched Chazz end his turn, he squeezed Zane even tighter.

"Hmph, nice shot. But I have an ace up my sleeve, or in this case, a Monster Reborn card! So now it's like your giant horned toad had never laid a claw on my Edge!"

Even though it probably wouldn't do any good, Atticus cried, "Chicanery! Chicanery!" He pointed an accusing finger at Mary Sue, giving Zane the chance to finally crawl out from underneath him. Alexis shot her brother a look. She was mildly surprised that he knew such a word.

"Atticus, what the _hell _is wrong with you?" He tried to stand back up on his feet, only to have Atticus pull him back down.

"No, Zane! Don't get up yet! I've already lost you once! Don't make me suffer the trauma all over again!"

With a sinister twinkle in her eye, Mary twirled two cards around in her hand for the lot of them to see: Caius the Shadow Monarch, and a mysterious card whose aura felt just as malicious as Malicious Edge..._Dark Fusion! _

"Now I use the Spell, Dark Fusion, to fuse Malicious Edge and the Shadow Monarch in my hand..."

Another unnecessary, dramatic pause.

"And...what?" asked Alexis.

Mary stamped her foot. "Excuse me! No wonder no one likes you! As I was saying, behold my beast, Malicious Fiend!" Over her head, a cluster of swirling, black clouds nearly blew everyone off of their feet, as a spiny, winged demon descended from out of them.

**ATK: 3500**

**DEF: 2100 **

"And now for the attack. Go, Fiend, shred his Armed Dragon!" As swiftly as a falcon, it dove head-first for Chazz's monster with its katana-like claws outstretched.

_SLASSSSSSHH! _

The death cry of Armed Dragon rang throughout the bay, accompanied by a great burst of smoke. Chazz held out his arms and tried to shield Alexis from the impact. Unfortunately, his Life Points were left defenseless.

**Chazz's LP: 3500**

**Mary's LP: 3600 **

"And I end my turn with a face-down. Yourmove," she beckoned in a sing-song voice that made everyone present want to roll their , Chazz drew his new card: Graceful Charity. His hand was practically empty, so he decided to play it and see what he might get.

"I play the Spell, Graceful Charity, to draw three new cards. However, I'll have to discard two cards in exchange." He drew his three cards: Masked Dragon, Ojamagic and Polymerization. A decent draw. He chose Ojamagic and Masked Dragon to dispose of.

"So I discard two cards, and one of them is Ojamagic, which means its effect activates!When it's sent from my hand to the Graveyard, I can take an Ojama Yellow, an Ojama Black and an Ojama Green from my deck and add them to my hand.

But I'm just getting started! I activate one of my face-downs, Ojama Trio! Here's a gift from me to you, Sue: three obnoxious Ojama tokens!" In the snap of fingers, three gremlins in Speedos took over three spots in her Monster Zone, playfully shaking their rumps in her face.

_"Huzzah!" _

_"Boo-yah!" _

_"Comin' at ya!" _

**ATK: 0 **

**DEF: 1000**

Mary Sue drew back in disgust. "Ugh...you really shouldn't have."

Chazz smirked. "But I did, anyway. Now I play Polymerization to fuse the three Ojama monsters from my hand! Bow down to His Majesty..."

Once again, he made his own dramatic pause. Alexis slapped herself in the face. This was thethird dramatic pause in this whole duel. But she knew better than to say anythingto these lunatics.

"...Ojama King!"

From out of the blue, a gargantuan, grinning beast in a crown and cape somersaulted into the scene and bellowed, _Thank you, thank you very much!_

**ATK: 0**

**DEF: 3000**

"And guess what, Sue? Ojama King's effect seals off up to three spots in your Monster Zone. So I guess that means no more summoning for-"

"Yes, yes, I know. But you know, Princeton? My Malicious Fiend has an effect, too. It's the Battle Phase now, and my monster forces all monsters on your side of the field to switch to Attack Mode and do battle with it! What with Ojama King having no Attack Points, I'd say that it's curtains for you," Mary taunted, drawing a finger across her throat.

"Hmph, if anything, it's curtains for this Battle Phase. Revealing my second face-down, Gravity Bind! As long as this card's on the field, no monsters with a level of four or higher can attack. So nobody's scrapping with anybody. Heh-heh-heh. I end my turn."

Scowling, Mary drew a card. Judging by how her scowl deepened, one could guess that it must not have been a good one. But that didn't stop her. "Fine. I activate my own face-down, Tremendous Fire! I inflict 500 Points of damage to myself, but twice as much as that to you!" Typical of Mary to pull something like that. A great ball of fire shot from the Spell card's image and struck Chazz in the chest. The impact made him cringe and stumble backward by a bit.

**Chazz's LP: 2500**

**Mary's LP: 3100**

"No mercy, Chazz!" Atticus cheered,arm nowlocked around Zane's.

"Urgh, you think that hurt me? That was just a spark!"

"Mm-hm, sure it was. I end my turn, unfortunately."

Chazz's new card was Ojamandala. He could not use it right away, however, because if he resurrected his Ojama monsters, Malicious Fiend would force them to attack it; they were immune to Gravity Bind's effect, after all. Thus, he did something that he usually didn't do. He passed for this turn.

Mary's turn was almost as brief as his; all she did was draw a card and set it face-down.

Short turns had their advantages, though. They were perfect for setting up for the grand finale. And that was exactly what Chazz was going for. "I-"

"Hold it, hon! I activate my face-down, Reckless Greed! I get to draw two cards, in exchange for skipping my next two Draw Phases. Now I play one of said cards, Mystical Space Typhoon! Say adios, sayonara, au devior, and farewell to Gravity Bind!"

_CRASSSSH! _A twister swept across the field, wiping the Trap out.

"Grr, how dare you interrupt the Chazz when he's talking! You're going to pay for that! First, I use Pot of Avarice, which lets me select five monsters from my Graveyard and shuffle them back into my deck. Then, I draw two more cards."

Guess what his two cards were?

_Ojama Delta Hurricane and Ojamuscle!_

"Ha! Next I play Ojamandala! For a lousy 1000 Life Points..."

**Chazz's LP: 1500**

"I can summon my Ojamas Yellow, Green and Black from my graveyard to the field!"

_"Hooray, we're back!" _the trio chorused as they danced around in a circle.

**ATK: 0**

**DEF: 1000**

"Next, I play Ojama Delta Hurricane. With all three Ojamas out on the field, I can rub out every single card on your side of the field!"

"W-what?" Mary Sue had never looked so dumbfounded in the whole two chapters she had existed. Arms locked, the Ojama brothers began to spin faster and faster until they became a gusty whirlwind that made quick work of her Malicious Fiend and Ojama Tokens, thanks to which she was depleted of 900 Life Points by their ability.

**Mary's LP: 2200**

"I'm not done yet!I play the Spell, Ojamuscle. For every Ojama on the field I destory by this effect, Ojama King gains 1000 Attack Points!"

_"Huh? What did he say?"_

Ojama King flashed a broad and hungry grin. "_Awright, come to Daddy!" _Witha lash ofits fat, worm-like tongue, the Ojamas made like Skittle candies and disappeared into the cavern that was its mouth. Instantly, the King's muscles to almost seven times their regular size.

**ATK: 3000**

"Thanks to Ojama Hurricane, you're just a sitting duck. Ojama King, attack Mary directly! Belly Flop Drop!" Like an athletic diver, Ojama King leapt into mid-air and prepared to land. He plummeted like a cannonball.

_"COWABUNGA!"_

"He's gonna win, he's gonna win!"

"But-but you can't win!" Mary protested,staggering backwards and staring up atthe monster of her demise, her face frozenin raw terror."I'm Marianne Suzanne-"

**_KA-POOOOW! _**

She never got to finish.

**Chazz's LP: 1500**

**Mary's LP: 0**

For a moment, the earth itself seemed to rattle, as though it were about to split in two at that very moment. Fortunately, that didn't happen. No, what happened instead was as soon as Ojama King faded away, they found Mary Sue on the ground, cards spilled from her disk and all around her pretty little head. She didn't move half an inch.

Chazz pumped his fist into the air. "YES! I Chazzed you up! Did you see that? Even a stupid Mary Sue doesn't have a prayer against _my_ superior might!" He turned to look Alexis up and down. "Are you all right, Lexi?"

"Yes, Chazz. I'm fine, thank you," she replied flatly.

Atticus still clung to Zane's arm, like a child about to go to school. He squinted at Mary's lifeless body. Was she dead?

All of a sudden, her cards began to spontaneously crumble to dust. At the same time, Marianne Suzanne Anderpheonukidaleton began to melt down, literally! Like an ice cream cone on the sidewalk on a hot summer day, she first lost her outline, and then her shapely shape, and before anyone could say, "Ding-dong, the Witch is dead!", nothing was left but a massive puddle of colors on the ground.

No one said a word. What could they really say? Strange things happened every day at Duel Academy, but never before had they experienced a phenomenon quite like this.

Eventually, Zane broke the silence: "Somehow, I expected this to happen. She just didn't seem human. But now that that's over with...Atticus, come with me."

The Obelisk Prince perked up at those last three words. They could've meant anything; he hoped that they meant what he thought they meant. And yet, as he glanced into Zane's hardened face, he suspected that those three words meant something else.

"Wh-what's the matter?"

"We need to talk." That was all Zane said before he tugged Atticus along to somewhere more private, leaving Chazz and Alexis alone. Noticing this, Chazz decided to take advantage of it.

"So, Alexis, wasn't I awesome?"

"...I suppose."

His eye started to twitch. "What do ya mean, you suppose? That thing almost killed me, but I still managed to slay it!"

Alexis sighed. "Look, it's not that I'm not glad that you won. It's just that, well, you're acting as if you only dueled that...creature...because you were expecting a kiss or something." Chazz twiddled his thumbs. That didn't sound like a bad reward.

"You and my brother have been working together for the last few days so you could try to woo me, haven't you?"

Chazz laughed sheepishly. "Oh Lexi, this is only one of the reasons why I love you! You're so smart!"

She folded her arms across her chest. "Uh-huh. Figures. Well, Chazz, I suppose I should give you something for your efforts..."

Thinking that this reward was what he thought it would be, that eager beaver leaned in and puckered his lips, waiting for the girl to do the same. What he got was a heavy, tooth-popping, jaw-breaking, nose-smashing knuckle sandwich.

_KA-POW! _

He was on the ground in an instant, seeing Ojamas dance around his head, his face throbbing with red-hot pain. "_YIKES! _Wh-wh-what the hell was that for?"

Alexis rubbed her fist. "That was for your comment about my chest. I wanted to wait until the duel was over so I could give you my reply," she said bitterly. "Why don't you grow up?" She always was rather touchy.

_"DIE, YOU RAINBOW-COLORED SCUM!" _snarled a third person.

Alexis and Chazz turned their attention to the puddle of colors that used to be Mary Sue. Who else did they find spraying the mess away with a hose but Jaden? Only somehow, he didn't appear to be his regular happy-go-lucky self. His face was twisted with rage far too intense to be characteristic of him, and his eyes seemed to shimmer gold.

_"I'm not even supposed to appear yet, but you've forced me to by using MY cards! Go back to Hell, where you belong!" _

As soon as he cleansed the entire dock, Jaden stood there panting like a junkyard dog. He looked at the two duelists on the far end, and just as quickly as his temper had emerged, it vanished, along with the eerie gold shade in his brown eyes.

He blinked two or three times, as though he had no clue what he'd just done. He held up the hose. "Huh? Where am I? And why am I holding a hose? Hi, guys! Are we having a hose party?"

Chazz glared at his rival, then at Alexis. "And you tell _me _to grow up?"

* * *

Atticus could hardly believe the circumstances: here he was, in Zane's room, with Zane, just the two of them. He'd watched many romance movies in his day, and traditionally, when the lovers were alone somewhere, magic occurred, and maybe a little action, too. The boys sat in two armchairs, facing each other. Was it just him or was the room getting colder? It could've been from being in Zane's presence. He shivered.

Zane, on the other hand, remained perfectly cool and composed. He looked at his friend in the eyes, without blinking. "Atticus, I've always known that you were odd. But lately, you've been acting odder than usual."

"Oh, you've noticed?" Atticus couldn't help but blush. Zane had the kind of stare that was so penetrating that one would want to look away, yet they couldn't.

"We both have, Alexis and I. You've been a lot more touchy-feely than you used to be. You've stuffed baloney in your jacket. You've tried to make out with me while I was saving your life-"

"No, I wasn't!"

Not being the type to like being interrupted, Zane was quiet, but his stony stare was enough to reprimand Atti. Getting the message, Atti motioned for him to continue.

"I know it was you watching me, you know."

"R-really? But I thought-"

"No. I found you out in the hallway with a lampshade over your head. That might work in cartoons, but it doesn't in reality."

Atticus began to feel like a criminal. He sunk at least four inches into the chair, his face glowing as red as a sundae cherry. "Yeah, well, if you don't like what I do, then why are you friends with me? If I wanted to get yelled at, I would've gone to Crowler!" He didn't know why he said that. His brain must've been going to mush.

"...Right. I think I might have an idea what's going on. But I'll hear it from you, first, to be sure."

Atticus's knees buckled. This was it. He was going to have to tell him now, or never tell him. His heartbeat echoed in his ears like thunder, blood continuing to build up in his cheeks, as though he was going to explode. Imagine: the love guru himself being brought down to his knees by his own best friend. Raw emotion took him over like a tidal wave, drowning every last ounce of discretion he still had and releasing itself in the form of hot tears.

He buried his face in his hands so Zane wouldn't see his crying. "Awright, you caught me! I'm guilty as charged: for loving you in the first degree! For helping Chazz try to woo Lexi so you could be mine! Lock me up and throw away the key!"

Zane reached out to pull Atticus's hands off of his tear-stained face. "Atticus, calm down. Don't turn this into some kind of soap opera." He reached for a box of tissues on a table and handed him a tissue. Atticus's sight had become too blurry for him to see what Zane's expression was, but he accepted the tissue and dabbed his tears.

"I'm-I'm sorry, Zane. It's just that, w-well, I've been crazy for you for a long time, a _real _long time, for so long that I've been going crazy, myself. But I couldn't tell you because...of a lot of things." He tried to look Zane in the eyes as he confessed his love for him; after all, this wasn't going as gracefully as he'd hoped it would. He could now see that his face remained smooth and aloof. If there was one thing he didn't understand was how Zane managed to keep so cool, or at least look like he was. One could probably tell him that his mother had been eaten by an orca, and he'd still look aloof. He blew his nose.

"Listen, I-I can understand if you hate me. Lexi's probably better for you, anyway, and prettier. If you two are truly happy together, then what gives me the right to intrude?"

All Zane said was, "I see. That's what I figured."

"Y-you mean, you knew? But why didn't you call me out on it?"

"Because that would be jumping to conclusions. I wanted to wait until you came out and said it directly. I knew you would, some time. And about Lex..."

By now, Atticus was as red as a strawberry. He expected a laundry list of the reasons Zane was much happier with his sister and why he could never be with him.

Instead, he heard, "You thought we were dating, weren't you? Jumped to conclusions, yourself, huh?"

Atti bit his lower lip. "Uh...maybe. Kinda. A little."

Zane shook his head. "Think about it for a second: if we really were dating, don't you think we would've told you? We don't need to hide things from each other, do we?"

Shame grabbed Atticus by the throat, making him choke on his words. "N-n-no."

"We really aren't, Atticus. We're just friends, that's all we've been since you disappeared. I'd never think about pulling anything funny on Alexis. But going back to your...feelings for me, I'm afraid to say that I don't like you, either. Not in _that _sense. I already have a love, and that's dueling."

Atti's beating heart stilled itself. He could feel it shattering into pieces like a china plate, and those pieces shattering into more pieces, and those pieces shattering into even more pieces until there was basically nothing left but dust floating around in his chest. Somehow, he knew Zane was going to shoot him down after all, but that didn't make this hurt any less. He never was the type to take rejection well.

In one last, feeble attempt to gain his affections, he squeaked, "Wh-what if I dressed up as a-"

"No. Cosplaying as a Duel Monster every day wouldn't make me love you, Atticus. You're a good friend, and I appreciate that you finally mustered the courage to tell me how you feel, but I can't force myself to feel something that I don't, and neither can you. I'm sorry."

So that was that. There was no point in continuing to argue. Once Zane made up his mind, no one could change it. Besides, when one's heart crumbles to dust, they don't feel like arguing anymore. Wiping the tears out of his eyes, Atticus stood up and headed for the door, feet dragging and head hanging. He felt as hollow as a conch, the romantic hopes he once kept sheltered within him now dead.

This is why he and Zane haven't actually been on speaking terms, since.

As soon as he shut the door behind him, Zane reached into his pocket and pulled out his deck. He shuffled through it until he came across his favorite monster, Cyber End Dragon. With his fingertip, he traced the outline of its middle head and metallic wings. The tiniest of smirks played at his lips.

"It's not that I enjoyed shooting him down," he murmured, pulling the card closer to his lips and pecking it. "He's my friend, after all. But honestly, not even the most beautiful and charismatic person on campus compares to you...Sugar End."

**_END_**


End file.
